Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I didn't really want to give away my first electric guitar. Even though it was an Ibanez "shredder" guitar, designed for a style that I don't really play much anymore, it was very sentimental to me. I had owned it since I was 14 or 15 years old, and it had been with me for all the many changes of my life. I had moved it with me when I moved to different parts of Texas at least 4 or 5 times. I thought I would always keep it, even if it was just a nostalgic conversation piece in the closet. So, when I sensed God leading me to dust it off, get it fixed up, and give it away, I was immediately resistant. Awwwe, man. God. It was my first guitar!! I whined a little to Him and pushed back on the thought of giving it away, but I knew it was what He wanted me to do. Because if it was just an extra guitar and didn't mean anything to me, what kind of gift would it be? My leftovers or whatever I "could spare" wouldn't mean much. But to give something that, in all honesty, I really wanted to keep, something that hurt a little to give away and was really a sacrifice, that means something. To God and to the recipient. Ok ok OK, God. I'll do it.
I planned to give it to the youth pastor at Hope 4 Honduras, who is also a wonderful guitar player and worship leader. But the thing was, I found out right before going that the youth pastor had gotten a job elsewhere and was no longer at the mission. Well, who would I give it to now, God? I debated about even bringing the guitar at all, but I remembered what God had told me and decided to bring it after all. I didn't know who I would give it to, but I had my eyes open for an opportunity.
Shortly after arriving in Honduras, I ran into Leo. I had forgotten about this guitarist. ^_^ Leo works at the mission as an IT guy and also does security there, and he happens to be a killer metal guitar player. The dude has a testimony you wouldn't believe of being redeemed by an all powerful God. He was raised in an environment where Satanic activity, black magic, and witchcraft was the norm. Before Christ, he was involved in all sorts of darkness and played music for the Enemy rather than God. In the 90's, he was in a band called "Blasphemy." But when he came to the Lord, he entered onto a journey when it came to music. The Lord led him to put down his guitar for a long time as he healed from his former life. God showed him his motives were more for his own glory and recognition rather than God's. So, after some years of soul searching and transformation, Leo pondered whether or not it would be ok to pick up the guitar again. Someone bought him one as a gift, an acoustic guitar, but he sensed he was not ready to perform yet. This time, he promised himself, his performance had to be for an audience of one. He loved metal and he loved to play live, but he wanted to make sure that his motives were pure, that it was for God's glory and His alone.
We sat on the patio as he was telling me about all of this, and he had a fire in his eyes when he told me that just recently, he felt like God was telling him he was ready. He had scheduled some time in the recording studio, only a few weeks from then. He was trying to get a group of guys together to form a Christian metal band, hopefully being able to bring Christ to the dark places of the metal scene. His goal was to be able to minister to those musicians as well, sharing his testimony, sharing the glory of God for his redeemed life. The only thing he needed was an electric guitar, which he was planning on buying. He didn't have much money, but he was hoping to be able to find something that would work. I asked him the brand and type of guitar he would get if he had the choice, if he had more money, and when he said "Ibanez" and started describing the characteristics of the guitar I had brought, I knew it was time.
|After I told him the story of how the guitar got there, and the two of us in awe.|
|Leo playing his new gift from God|
I will never...EVER get over how specific His love is for us. Down to the brand and the type of gift He would love to give us. I love how personal is His touch. I will never get over how He provides us with more than we can ask or imagine, at exactly the right time. I told Leo that this was His affirmation, that this was God telling him beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was, indeed, ready.
Leo is running with it. He has been jamming and recording, and has decided to call his project "Memra," which loosely means "Word of the Lord." In Aramaic, it is a word used in the Bible to describe when the Lord's power is physically manifested, when God's power comes alive in the physical world, as it will with Leo's music. To God be the glory for what He does with Leo and His gift. We are so excited to see.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
There is no room for pride in the kingdom of God.
If there is anything He has been teaching me lately, it is an accurate view of myself. In the past few years, I have thought of myself as broken, at times. Flawed. Messed up in some ways. But I was only scratching the surface of truth. Now, I think He has shown me the heart of the matter.
My testimony is pretty amazing. I know it. Not many people can say that God changed their sexual identity, but I have lived it. And I know it was only Him who could do such a miraculous feat, but there's this piece of me that wants to steal His glory. I want to take partial credit for my life transformation. To God be the glory... I say. But truth be known, I have a pride problem. I am proud in myself, proud of my ability to have made that change.
Without me even really realizing it, pride had crept in. I felt like I had had such amazing growth in Christ to come out of my former life, maybe the rest of me wasn't too terrible. There wasn't any need for earth shattering, fire refining sanctification, not anymore. I had my issues, but I was doing pretty good, at least comparatively. That was up until just recently, when I finally felt the conviction of a sin struggle, one that I had finally decided to surrender. Not really because I wanted to follow Christ instead, but because I wanted to quit experiencing negative consequences. It turned out to be about so much more than the outward struggle, as it often is...
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3
Poor in spirit doesn't mean we're sad or brokenhearted, it means we acknowledge how much we need him. How impoverished we are without Him.
And with this recent sin struggle which is so terrifying to try to lose control of, I am on my face. It makes me smile a little bittersweetly. I guess I had been so absorbed with pride that I just hadn't been here in awhile...hadn't fallen on my knees and acknowledged who I am. Not Krissy who "mostly" has it together. Not Krissy who is self sufficient and wise and spiritual and serves at the church. Not Krissy who is a small group leader and who is mostly a morally good person.
Krissy who is a wretched, evil woman. Whose motivations in her heart of hearts are just vile. Krissy who is a wicked sinner, building her own kingdoms and image and believing her gospel of Self. Hopeless, helpless, useless, and, in truth, utterly nothing without Him. Krissy who knows she must make herself Nothing.
Sin is a cancer. We give in to it a little, and it creeps its way into desolate corners. We feed the flesh, and it always begs for more, never to be satisfied. And suddenly, before we know it, those areas of sin that "aren't so bad" have metastasized and are deep into the process of killing our souls. Killing our intimacy with God and warping our minds. Inch by inch. More and more of us, less and less of Him.
But then occasionally, a beam of light breaks through, as clear as day. Revelation happens, and we realize the wretchedness of our sin and ourselves. Or maybe we get so sick of suffering the consequences of the sin that we are finally to a point where we want to surrender it. However it happens when we make the choice to do chemo, it is the start of God breaking new, fresh ground in our hearts.
It is terrifyingly awesome. Like free falling off of a mountain and trusting that something will catch us. Many people don't take the leap off the mountain at all. Many continue to trust in themselves, and as a result, don't realize how miserable they really are. Life is too short for that, but people live in bondage for years because they have become comfortable with sin. Familiar. And their strongholds keep them from the freedom in Christ.
There is a scene in the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." Indy is trying to cross a chasm carved into rock and it's 50 feet wide. He is told it is a "leap of faith," but the chasm is wider than any man could jump. And he is breathing heavy and sweating and clearly fearful, realizing that he won't be able to do it. It is terrifying and unfamiliar. But instead of turning around and giving up, and instead of trying to take the leap with all of his own might, he takes one. Baby. Step. And his faith upholds him.
There is a Switchfoot song called "Always," and it is a lovesong between God and the subject of the song. It talks about how God continuously offers Himself to us, that He is always ours, every step of our lives, that His grace is always ours for the taking. And in the end, the man in the song has this revelation:
Hallelujah....I'm caving in. Hallelujah, I'm in love again. Allelujah, I'm a wretched man. Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.
How perfectly this captures the bittersweetness of sanctification. We feel like we're caving in, but we fall deeper in love with Christ. We have the realization of our wretchedness, but at the same time, we know what grace means: every breath is a second chance. HALLELUJAH.
There is a war going on for my heart, but my Father is breaking new ground. I am free falling off of the mountain, I am trying to take baby steps, and I'm caving in. But it is a good thing. A painful but freeing thing. I will not give up and I will not go back to my flesh. I am fighting.
Oh, and one more thing.
"For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified." (1 Corinthians 2:2)
I pray I would never again think that I have it together. I pray I might always recognize my need to pursue more of Him, less of me. May I always rely on Christ alone, knowing the wretched woman I am apart from Him. May I know nothing, be nothing, make myself nothing, express nothing BUT Him and Him crucified.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
I guess I have somewhat made peace with the
fact that I will never be one of those "stick skinny" sort of girls.
I actually don't want to look that way...I do think muscle looks good and I desire to be fit and healthy,
but my problem is obsession. I have this obsession and unrealistic
expectation for me to remain the same weight I was in high school for my whole
life. And I buy into the world’s mentality that I should!! I buy
into the world’s mentality about being strong and fit and healthy and looking
like a million bucks and making sure that every picture I ever post of myself
on social media has me looking as good as I ever do. No flab, no neck
wrinkles. And heaven forbid anyone tag me in an unflattering picture of
myself on Facebook that is up for more than 5 minutes. I continue to
guard and protect this image of myself, an image of what could be me, an image
that I know comes from me and not God.
Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. (Colossians 2:20-23)
And the knowing, powerful, righteous and wise word of God goes on to say: Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set you hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Se your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:1-3)
So, I am dropping this cistern with its cracks, that will never hold water for me, and letting it shatter on the ground. And I will take up the one that has living water. Oh Jesus, how I cherish the freedom in you. How I cherish the living water that flows from who I am in you. I will love myself for who I am in You and refuse to allow my body shape or my weight to determine how I feel about myself.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I am so ugly when it comes to being a musician. I am envious, competitive, falsely humble, prideful, insecure, needy, perfectionistic, critical, and selfish. All of these horrible things have taken root in my heart far more often than I care to admit. I mean, I really struggle with these things. It seems as though whenever I pick up the guitar, it is a constant battle in my soul to fight for the truth of what I do. A war to allow God to bring out the Christ in me…true humility. Servanthood. Sacrifice. Denial of self. A desire to give Him ALL glory and reserve none for myself. Because I KNOW the only good that is in me is really Him. Any good ability I have to play the guitar does not come from me, in fact, I am nothing apart from Him. Without Him, I am a branch without its tree. A branch destined to wither and die, worthy of nothing except to be burned in the fire. Occasionally, I “get” that. I sometimes know that truth in my inmost place.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
The first guideline is, we need to communicate clearly with whoever we are dating or thinking about dating. The problem with today’s dating culture is that we don't talk. Instead of defining the relationship or discussing the direction the relationship is headed, we rely on supposed "signals" or some sort of code (which is subjective and confusing) to determine what's happening. (“We have been on 6 dates….do you think that means we are together?”) It is why it is called the "game," and has led to a lot of messed up hearts and ambiguity!! We have lost the incredible value in being honest about what we want and what our intentions are in a dating relationship, which is far healthier and clearer.
One blessing in disguise for Billy and I is that neither one of us knew how to “play the game.” (He readily says that having “no game” worked to his advantage. Lol.) So, instead of trying to decipher some elusive code, we simply talked about stuff right from the beginning: what we were, (we both wanted to be exclusive), physical boundaries, (awkward but necessary.. http://kristinmyeager.blogspot.com/2013/06/letter-to-our-group.html. ), what we wanted in a relationship, everything. It was quite liberating to not know what we were doing and be forced to talk about it!! I can’t deny that it was a little bit uncomfortable, but having these conversations within the first 2 or 3 weeks as they came up brought so much peace and assurance that any discomfort was worth it. We didn’t have to wallow in the uncertainty that plagues many daters. Instead, we were able to determine early on that we were on the same page, and that prompted us to continue dating. No guessing games, no questions. Stuff was clear.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Every so often, I feel like there’s this purity to my faith and I just get it, down to the very core of my soul. My pride sloughs off. I am filled with understanding of HIM and who He really is, I KNOW Him. I know the savior of the world. And all of that is followed by this longing in me to dedicate my all to Him, to His glory. I want others to know.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Wrap me in your grace, and I will be covered. Clean me with hyssop, and I will be clean. Today I make the decision to start again new.