Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Beginning

I knew it was coming. I knew he was going to ask me out. I had sensed a change in our friendship, suddenly starting to wonder, "Does he like me?" and the even more alarming question was, "Do I like him?" He was so cute, smart, and funny. He had integrity. He loved music, had a great job, and was responsible, but the thing that attracted me most was his heart for the Lord. He was a small group leader, he was active in church, but he wasn't one of those stuffy types. He knew how to have fun.

But I also knew I was screwed up and not capable of dating anyone. How were we going to date when I still hadn't completely worked through my issue with same sex attraction? I knew I wasn't ready. I knew God wanted to do more healing in me before I could be with anyone. Hilarious when I think I know something. That's when God grabs whatever I "know" like an etch-a-sketch and gives it a good shake. And then He starts sketching away with his own picture. :-)

When I finally did ask God about Billy, it was on a whim. I was walking across the street after my lunch break. " you want me to date Billy Jones?" And this is what I heard: Yes! It wasn't a whisper or a feeling, it was an answer. A loud, clear, excited answer. If you can do a double take with God's voice, I did. I was not expecting that. After all, I was screwed up and knew I shouldn't date anybody. But it was clear. Sometimes we wait for a response from Him, but not this time.

I was scared, though. Not only was I messed up, but since we had known each other for 2 years, my fear of losing Billy's friendship messed with my head. I was torn about whether or not I thought it was a good idea. I needed more confirmation. I asked my Mom to pray.

A little background info--Mom has been fasting from chocolate for a little over 10 years, praying that God would give me a husband. She had been praying this prayer since I was little, but when I first announced I was a lesbian, she decided she would give up chocolate and pray to the Lord until I was married. Throughout all my lesbian stuff, she prayed and fasted from chocolate. She's a prayin woman. So, I asked her to pray about whether or not I should date Billy.

She called me the next day. "Now don't get weirded out, but you asked me to pray about Billy, and I did. I prayed before I went to sleep last night, and when I slept, I had a dream about chocolate. I dreamed about gobs and gobs of glorious chocolate. I couldn't eat it yet, but I was going to be able to eat it soon."

What??!! I laughed hysterically. My eyes couldn't have been wider. Seriously, Mom? You should not have not told me that. You made me nutso.

I asked another friend...more green light. Ok ok, OKAY God!! I get it. But am I gonna do it? I'm still screwed up, don't you see? (It's awesome when we ask God if He sees something. I wonder if He's like, Duh.)

As all of this was happening, a friend of ours, Rachel, was having her 30th birthday party at a beach house in Galveston. Billy asked if I wanted to ride down there with him, and I nervously agreed. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, I was so scared he would ask me out and I didn't know if I wanted him to. That was on Friday, August 27th, 2010.

It was an awesome night. After dinner, everyone went out to the beach and stood on the shore, beers/cocktails in hand, talking about Christian faith. The moon was an incredible orange-red, and I remember marveling at creation. With our pants rolled up and our feet sinking into the muddy sand, we talked for a long time about predestination, free will, and the sovereignty of God. Then, we moved to the patio and talked some more.

At around 2:30 am, people started dropping out and going to bed. Suddenly, I realized Billy and I were about to be alone, and then we were. Crap!! "Kay, so G'nite!! See you tomorrow!!" I tried to scamper in, but he said, "Yeager, wait." My nerves hit the ceiling. I knew this was it.

He came over and got in front of me, blocking me from the door, and opened his arms for a hug. I hugged him, putting my head under his chin and my ear to his chest. His heart was thumping at about 4000 mph. I thought, "Crap, he's gonna have a heart attack right now before he can even say anything."

He was precious. He was obviously very nervous, holding me too tightly, and he managed to stumble out, "So, uh...I've noticed that we've..uh..been hangin out and uh...I just think that there uh. Well, I think there's something there." ^_^

Something about vulnerability draws me. It's not so much the vulnerability but the childlike innocence that goes with it. It's a sweet thing and something to cherish--reminds me of how Jesus told us to have faith like a child.

I said, "There is something there, but I don't know. If there was anyone I wanted to date that goes to our church, it would be you. But I'm scared. I am screwed up. You know I'm screwed up, right?"

"Yes." Insert awkward pause. I thought, He's not supposed to agree with that.

I plowed forward. "I am not healed. I don't know, I don't know. You know my story!! I mean, I think I know, I think God told me to date you, but I don't know if I'm supposed to try to date you exclusively or if I'm supposed to date you and us be open to dating other people or what. Have you prayed about this?"

"Yes." Crap!!! He had!!

"I need time. I don't know. Seriously, if I were going to date anyone it would be you, but I just need to figure out what God wants me to do. I have prayed about it, but I don't know if it's right. Can you give me like a week to keep thinking about it?" What an awful thing to tell him. A week? That's like, a month.

Then it was totally awkward. What do you do after that? "K, G'nite!!" lol. I could tell he was upset. I was completely freaked. I went into the house and laid down. I was sharing a bed with Rachel. She knew my story, and we talked for a little bit about what happened and why I was afraid. She was yawning alot...when she told me she needed to pass out I couldn't blame her. It was 3:30 am.

After that, I lay awake, alone with my thoughts. And it started to sink much of an IDIOT I was. Here was a man who had all the qualities I've ever dreamed of for a potential spouse--integrity, intelligence, wit, kindness and thoughtfulness, cuteness and sweetness, a wonderful heart for God--I knew all this from being his friend for so long!! Was I really going to rely on my own fear rather than what God had revealed to me? That was the clincher--I had gotten so much affirmation from God, what more did I need? Everything my mom had prayed for, everything that I had been praying for the last 3 years was happening right in front of me...was I really going to let it pass me by?

The next morning I went to Billy. I apologized to him, told him I was sorry for letting fear get in the way of where I felt God leading me, and that I wanted to give "us" a shot. God's idea of healing my sexuality was obviously on His time, not mine.

And guess what? We're getting married in 9 days.

I tear up as I write this because God is just so good. More and more, He shows me how real He is in my life and how much I absolutely can trust Him with all my heart. He has called me to take some major, monumental, terrifying steps of faith to show me how amazing it is to live by His understanding. Those scary steps have been some of the most beautiful and blessed things that have ever happened to me. And the awesome part is that all this is only the beginning. :D I will continue to take those steps of faith, only now with a husband. And I am so excited to see where God leads us.