Friday, February 24, 2012

The Story

Something happened to me that I can't fully explain. I know it was by the Holy Spirit. I know it woke me up.

I had been living in a fog. I had no idea how unhappy I was, really. I was living for myself, living in the lesbian lifestyle, using drugs, living for the moment. I had never questioned whether or not homosexuality was okay with God. It had to be. There was nothing I could do to change it. It felt like a part of me, and always had. Besides, God had a whole lot more to worry about than little ole me. He had war, poverty, famine, what did it matter if I was gay?

But then, He spoke to me, He spoke to my heart. He told me I was precious to Him, that He loved me more than I could fathom, that my life was more than anything I had been living for. He opened my eyes to just a glimpse of how beautiful His love really is.

Then, He began pulling me out of my darkness, one step at a time. He showed me that it wasn't me who would have to do the changing, He could change me from within. All I had to do was surrender, and let Him work.

It wasn't easy, but He had my heart in his hands the whole time. He put His followers in my life to help see me through. He brought me people that showed me the love and compassion of Christ. They did not condemn me or make me ashamed, they loved me and prayed for me and believed for me when I couldn't believe.

He began to heal me and make me understand where my brokenness came from. He sloughed off the old, and replaced it with new. He broke through all the old layers to the real me, and restored it.

And then, He did the most beautiful thing of all. He blessed me with healthy love for a man. It was the first time that ever happened to me. I was 31 years old. And that man, who is more wonderful than I ever could have asked for or imagined, became my husband. Now, we pursue Him together.

What God did in me, the way He moved me, I could never fully explain. But I just can't wait to keep knowing Him and living this life for Him, Him alone.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Change is Possible

Change is possible for you, the discouraged one. You’ve fought for years, wrestled, given in, fought more, and still fight. But you are losing the battle. You cannot seem to overcome the thing that torments you. That plagues you, that follows you wherever you go. The big glaring darkness in your life. You KNOW it hurts you, but you just can't seem to let go of it. Maybe you’ve given up trying, quit fighting because you always lose. Change is possible for you.

Change is also possible for you, the one who seeks. You’ve been nudged gently, something speaks to your heart ever so softly about whatever may not be right. You hear a small voice that talks about that grey area in your life and you wonder, you suspect it may be wrong but you are too scared to face it. You think it might be wrong, maybe it’s not exactly right, but you can’t talk about it. It’s scary and painful. The results of changing it would be too much, and you just can’t confront it. Change is possible for you, too.

Wherever you may be, change is possible for you.

There is one who makes all things new. There is one who transforms, restores, redeems, and sets free. Better than any counselor, more effective than any self help book or program. An answer above anything this world has to offer, including your own efforts. You can’t transform your own will with your own will. You can’t change your own mind with your own mind. It’s like chasing your own tail, you may catch it for awhile but it will always slip away from you again. You’ve got to look somewhere other than you.

I was the one who heard the soft voice. I made one decision to really hear that voice out, agreeing to pray and seek. And there was a gentle love I had been ignoring for years that spoke to me. It told me that the way I was living my life, in homosexuality, was not the answer. He told me gently, not with a condemning finger, but with a love and devotion so overwhelming I have never been the same. That prayer sparked a series of events that transformed my life.

I am no longer a lesbian. In fact, I am married. I have been transformed and blessed to have a life of peace, joy, love, and fulfillment, regardless of my circumstances. I may have struggles and trials and turmoils, but they no longer own me. By the grace and strength of my Savior within, I can overcome anything.

As you struggle for change, don’t look for the solution to your problem. Look to the maker of all solutions. Don’t look for the redemption, look to the redeemer, the one who makes everything beautiful. The one in whom we HOPE and are not disappointed. Turn to Him, pray to Him for comfort and for answers. Pray that He would show you whatever He wants to tell you in His Word, and look for the answers as if you were searching for hidden treasure. Pray that you will be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Talk to people that truly KNOW Him, that have been transformed by Him and healed from whatever you are struggling with. And your eyes will be OPENED. When you really seek Him with all your heart and knock on His door, the maker of the universe will ANSWER. There is nothing to lose, and your life to gain.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Light of My Life

I never knew happiness could be so complete. I never knew joy could run SO deeply into my soul. My life has purpose, it has the deepest, utmost meaning, deeper than it's ever had, deeper than I've ever known. I have a soul, and it belongs to Jesus Christ.

I still marvel at being married. I still cannot believe the blessing of my husband. It is proof that Jesus is in the business of changing and restoring and redeeming lives. Not "fluffy God" who resides in everything. Not God who we can be or pretend to be on the same level with, not enlightenment, not nirvana, not my own spiritual greatness that saved me or changed me.

It was my savior, Jesus Christ, that SAVED ME. My SAVIOR, who lifted me up from the grave. Redeemed my life from the pit. Who continued and will continue to forgive me. Who loved me enough to die so brutally. Who was despised and rejected and knows my pain and suffering and my shame, intimately.

He was with me in the dark places. He held me. He comforted me. He enabled me and strengthened me to do what I could not do myself. Who am I kidding if I think I have anything to do with coming out of lesbianism, of coming out of the darkness of Egypt? It was ALL HIM.

I will never understand why such blessing and favor have been showed to me, will never fully comprehend the honor and awe of it. Why did He come after me?

I love Him. To Him be the glory forever and ever for however He will use me. Amen.