Thoughts on My Musicianship

 I wish I was more mature.  It is quite ridiculous, seeing as I am 41 years old. I wish I did not let things bother me the way they do.  Like, being threatened at the talent of other musicians.  And worrying about being "good enough" and trying to play Zakk Wylde when I have freakishly small hands. My ego as a guitarist is a lot bigger than my hands. 

This is stupid, and it makes me feel stupid and totally raw and vulnerable to admit this, but I am really not that great as a musician.  Considering the length of time I have played, I should be worlds better. I put up road blocks for myself.  I sabotage myself.  I practice like 4 hours a day, for like 4 days.  And my fingers fall off and just when I am breaking new ground, I go back to completely ignoring my guitar for months.  When not forced to play, I don't.  When not forced to practice, I won't.  I let my guitar and all my expensive gear collect dust.  It is silly, and it is an awfully expensive thing to let sit in a corner and rot away.  Ignoring a bowl of rice would be cheaper. 

The thing is, it is all about a mental block for me.  I have questions for God, like: "Why do I run so hot and cold? Why do I go so hot and heavy with it and then fall off a cliff?  Why do I feel so ashamed and weird when I see other guitarists online that are actually making the most of their talent, exercising their gift, or who are more talented than me? Why do I feel like I can't post things I play unless they are perfect?  Why is this thing so much about appearances for me?"  And yes, I know all those last questions are purely connected to my pride. 

I am a prideful, fiery person. I think waaaaaaaay too much of myself, and it shows in how I operate with this gift of music. I know it is a gift of God.  I know it has been entrusted to me and it is about His glory.  And I make it about me.  At my heart of hearts, I am a glory seeker, and a glory stealer.  

Facebook isn't even real.  People who post their videos or their pics probably took twenty takes before the one that got published. And I know that, yet I play the game, too. 

Right now, I am really digging John Mayer's "Gravity," because it is so simple, and yet, so complex.  The chord structure is simple, but the voicings are just delicious, and so are the lyrics.  I RELATE to what he is saying about feeling the pull of self sabotage and being your own worst enemy.  And it is so inherent, it equates to a force like gravity.  This thing beguiles him, but is intrinsic to his nature. 

God, free me from Myself.  I ask Him how, and He always tells me.  When there is a big life development from Him to free me of myself, He always shows me what I must surrender, what practical things I must do and what I must believe and the ways in which I must change my thinking.  He has done it time and time and time again.  I have just never asked Him about music. Here we go.  

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I love it when God communicates the same thing to me several times, in several different ways.  When He really wants to break through to my thick heart.

Sunday's sermon was about God's relationship with us as a Father.  His Goodness and Love.  And I'm like yeah yeah yeah.

Then, my quiet time the next day, these verses:

How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. Psalm 31:19

And for some reason, this pierced my hardened heart.  I had to cry because I am not sure why I forgot.  I am not sure why I had been having such a hard time spending time at His feet.  I go through these spiritual valleys sometimes...I try to connect with Him but ultimately act like I can take Him or leave Him.  He and I both know that is so far from true.

This Psalm, 31, will be my fight song.  These will be my fighting words, by which I fight my way back to Him.  Fight my flesh and my self centered, deceitful desires.

I spend a lot of time being angry and unmerciful and disillusioned towards people.  It is really a defense mechanism against the hurt and the disappointment, because people do things to offend me, or slight me, or fail me, or hurt me, or disappoint me, or sadden me.  Because People.  People are messy. I find that the cost of truly loving people is high, and I find myself struggling to pay.

Half the time I am ticked at someone, that someone doesn't know.  I have been kind and gracious in person, but then I am hard and callous and hateful at heart, without bothering to pray or surrender or mend the situation or communicate, or even more importantly, allow myself the sorrow.  It has always been my default to choose Anger over pain....ever since I was little.  I remember my mom telling me the story of when I had tubes in my ears at two years old.  I woke up from surgery literally swinging and furious.

Anger, for me, holds more power than pain.  Even when in physical pain, I bow up and become Angry.  Even when I am startled, it is easier for me to become Angry instead of scared. I will Yell rather than Cry every time. Some people don't mind being vulnerable or giving way to sorrow or pain, just not me.

I feel the twinge of pain or sadness and I immediately twist it into anger.  I grow callous and cold and shut down my heart.  If  you want to act like that, I will simply cut you off. And I put on the attitude, I don't need you. I feel like if I "don't care," or if I say these things to myself enough, I can shut down the pain of you offending me or hurting me, and I will be fine.  I don't need anybody.  It is alot easier than What did I do?  Did I wrong you in some way?  or Wow, I guess I felt differently and thought you did, too. 

Here is another one that gets me:  You are too messy.  Because when you love people and you are in their garbage with them, you see them go around the hamster wheel until they claw their way off.  And sometimes that is painstakingly difficult.  If my heart is invested in them, it is miserable to watch....they often continue in slavery and I long for them to be free, indefinitely. Lately, I have been relishing this time away, thinking, I am done with people and their mess for now. Thank God for this quarantine. 

The problem is, Anger and Detachment are not healthy solutions for processing the emotions of a human heart. They are not very effective, but the bigger problem is, they are not HOLY.  They have no ounce of the LOVE by which He loves me.  And I cannot excuse myself breathing that in and then not living it out.  I cannot excuse living for my own means when Jesus has offered His life to free me of so many chains.  I am messy as can be, and He CLEARLY loves me.  He cherishes me.  He came down into the muck after me, and He paid the ultimate cost to show me His love.  He did not find me to be too much trouble, and MY how I fail Him.  But He still treasures and adores me.  💗Will I love people like that?  No.  Will I try?  Yes.  Will I experience sorrow and pain and hurt?  Of course...this is part of the human experience and recorded throughout Scripture, especially the Psalms.  If I cry out to God in sorrow and suffering, He ALWAYS gives comfort. But my Anger and Detachment are just my own Selfishness and Sin, and they lead to nowhere good.  They do not lead to Him.

This quarantine has brought out the "ugly" in me in many ways.  But Jesus softens me. It is always only a matter of time before He takes sandpaper to the rough edges of my heart.  Melts those edges away, really. Because I think about how specific and personal is His love for me. I KNOW that Great is His faithfulness, because I have seen it time and time again.  He not only freed me from the punishment of hell and gave me the keys to eternal life in Him, but He has broken Every. Single. Chain.  It was bigger, more obvious chains at first, and boy did He ever shatter those.  My gorgeous husband....it still wrecks me that He gave me Billy and transformed my whole heart from the inside out with love.  I no longer desire the same things or think the same way when it comes to women.  But He did not stop there.....with each subsequent and smaller chain I have worn on my wrists, He has shattered those as well.  Numerous chains, big and small, He shatters. This freedom I continue to find in Him has been such powerful evidence of How He continues to woo me. And so today, an old hymn seems more than appropriate to express my heart:

Great is Thy faithfulness
O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been
Thou forever will be
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me

God, forgive me. Break this chain, too, so I can love people more like YOU.

Death

Occasionally, we get a glaring reminder that we could die at any
moment. We get hit with a ton of bricks--a friend gets diagnosed
with a terminal illness. An older family member gives way to the
earth. A child is in a freak car accident. And the realization is
sudden and swift as it is true: God alone holds the keys to life
and death. We do not have any control over the number of our
days. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book
were written,every one of them, the days that were formed for
me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:16

This Coronavirus could kill you, and it could kill me. But it doesn't
even have to be the virus that takes us out. We might follow
every single health precaution and eat organic food and exercise
and sleep 8 hours a day and wear our seatbelts and take care of
our bodies to the utmost degree. But we are mortal.

Theories abound as to why this virus sweeps the earth. God’s
punishment? His wrath? His answer for human depravity? 
Maybe. Unequivocally, we grow increasingly evil, further and
further from the people He intended.  But to nitpick and call
certain sins the reason that God might be punishing us is
incredibly arrogant.To even classify this as certain punishment is
also erroneous, I believe. We cannot know why God has allowed
this. We can know that His design was never for sickness, death,
suffering, or despair.  He created perfection and sought us to live
in it with Him. He gave us free will to choose Him and believe
Him, and we turned away from Him and broke the whole world.
Now, sin and suffering and death run rampant. 

But death. I wish that all the people of this Earth did not fear
death, that they could stare it right down in the eyes.  Because
whether or not you believe that Christ has conquered death,
whether or not you believe that He is the son of God, whether
or not you believe that His sacrifice on the cross clears a path
for your entrance to Heaven and atones for your sin, it is true.
If you believe this, if you know it, if you live it and love it, then,
death is not such a terrifying thing. It is a wondrous thing, full
of hope and promise eternal. You long for it, in a way.

God…...bring those people to salvation who do not believe in you.
Let them believe.  Let them seek you and find you, because I
know you offer yourself freely to them. I know your eyes roam the
earth for hearts that might believe. Your grace is a gift.  Let them
understand, let them know. Let the fear, the suffering, and the
sickness drive more people to you. We have a heightened sense
of our mortality now, and we need you.