Tuesday, October 19, 2010

September, 2007

I instinctively look away. It's not easy to hear, but at least I can appreciate her being honest with me. I look back at her, and something in me gives. It doesn't mean I have to change anything. I'm going to be the same gay woman I have always been. It couldn't hurt to let her pray about it.

We close our eyes and she begins, sitting beside me with one hand on my back. "Father..." She asks that my eyes be opened to the truth, that God would show my heart the answer. She breaks strongholds in Christ's name, rebuking the power of any evil influence on my life. Proclaiming my identity in Christ, she prays that the Spirit will flow through me.

At the start of this, I am casually going through the motions with her, but as she continues, I sense a strange sensation in my chest. Subtle at first, the more she prays, the more it strengthens. It's a cool, mentholated tingling...like a cleansing water...a gentle stream. I am shocked and awed at this intensifying feeling, but my eyes remain locked shut as she goes on, praying in the name of Jesus.

Slowly, things are happening, the tingling in my heart begins spreading. It gets stronger and stronger as it trickles throughout my chest and the top of my body, down my arms and my legs, and eventually, all the way down to my fingers and toes. The depth of the sensation, though, pulses throughout my heart, the control center of my anatomy, the place where my emotional becomes physical, the deepest and inmost part of my being. Much to my surprise, I am getting the answer to my question, and so much more. I am flooded with an overwhelming sense of love, forgiveness, and peace, in my soul. But the majority of the feeling is an incredible sense of how much He loves me. It's then that I realize, I am getting only a tiny taste of God's infiniteness.  All bitterness and worldly things I've held on to start melting away, and the real meaning of life comes crashing into perspective.

Tears flow freely down my cheeks. I realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that He IS. Soon, I bawl uncontrollably. Through my tears, my sister tells me she hears Him say, 'You're so beautiful...' I feel His love for me, how much He wants my whole heart, how much He wants me, and how much He will never let go. He has revealed Himself. There is no halfway anymore, and there will be no excuses for staying the same.