Diabetic, really?

I found out in October of last year that I am diabetic. I was getting blood work done and going to the gyno before Billy and I got married, just to make sure everything was ok. Turns out it wasn't.

The first indicator was a urine test. I had sugar in my urine. They immediately asked me if I was diabetic. Well, no....not that I knew of. A week later the tests came in to confirm my type 2 diabetes.

After the initial shock and disbelief I handled it incredibly well. I had the perfect Christian responses--God is good, I was thankful for the health that I did have, I know God had a plan in all this, diabetes was very manageable these days, everything was going to be fine. My close friends and family were so sympathetic, but for some reason I really didn't need their sympathy.

Then it sank in some more. Wait…what? Am I really diabetic?  Really?  Because that SUCKS.

I don't want to watch what I eat for the rest of my life. I don't want to think about it every time I have a meal, for the rest of my life. Do you know how often you eat? It's multiple times a day. The next meal or snack is constantly around the corner.

I don’t want to poke myself with needles and draw blood to test my blood sugar multiple times a day for the rest of my life.  For the REST OF MY LIFE, the first thing I am supposed to do in the morning is poke myself with a needle.  What a way to wake up!!  And I am not even on insulin, not yet, anyway.  I am just on meds.  I imagine someday I will be poking myself with insulin needles, too.

Guess what else?  At friend’s houses where people are serving food I don't need to be eating it.  Very unlikely for people to cook stuff that is good for diabetics at those types of things.  And at birthday parties or celebrations where there is cake and sweets, I probably shouldn’t have any of that, either.  I have noticed more and more since I’ve been diagnosed, there is ALWAYS a reason to celebrate somebody’s something.  And so I am ALWAYS either feeling like I need to deny myself or going ahead and pigging out like everyone else and then feeling super guilty.

Oh and the best part?  Alcohol is terrible for diabetics!!  I probably should really limit my drinking if not stop altogether, especially with beer which is only my favorite alcoholic beverage. 

I am angry. Diabetes feels like a constant state of denial.  I feel indignant, undeserving. I took care of my health. I was not overweight. Except for the 2-3 beers a night over the weekend and the occasional splurge, I was a nut.  I usually watched what I ate and tried to work out 4-5 times a week at least and even ate a lot of organic and tons of vegetables and green tea every morning.

But that didn’t work for me, and so now I am inclined to eat whatever I want.  For the past month and a half or so, I have fallen off the diabetic wagon.  It’s my way of denying that I even have this awful disease.  It’s my way of saying, I tried to do things the healthy way, but forget it.  It’s my way of sticking diabetes the finger.

I know it’s not right, though.  I feel bad both mentally and physically.  After eating whatever I wanted to most of this weekend, my blood sugar was very high this morning and I am just exhausted....

God, how do you want me to see this?  I need you…I am wrestling.  I know I am supposed to see your goodness in this...I know I am supposed to see this as a blessing.  I know I am being a big baby about it.  How do you want me to cope with this?  I need you to change my heart.