Learning

 

I am learning to Slow Down.  I am learning to be Still.  I am learning to lean in, and I am learning to Quiet My Heart. And what an incredible joy to finally understand and receive this. He has been offering me these swaddling cloths for almost 3 years—to be Still.  To be more present with those I love. To live more fully, love more deeply, listen more intently.

There is a traditional lullaby called "Still, Still, Still."  It is a Christmas carol in which Mary holds the newborn baby Jesus in her arms and soothes Him as He sleeps.  A cold night in a manger, and a newborn baby that needed swaddling and the comfort of his mother's breast. The heartbeat of her, the smell of her. Still, Still, Still. If Christ needed to be still, how much more so do I? Peace, heart be still.   

Much like a little baby, I am, in need of swaddling and settling down.  There is panic in this pace of life, this pace the culture has set, this hurry and this constant push.  The whole of it sets in and my arms sprawl out and flail. I am learning the Safety of slowing down, and even being still.  I am learning to say No.  I am learning to recognize my limitations.  And in so doing, I am loving more deeply, listening more intently, sitting at the feet of Jesus more regularly. I am refusing to be constantly, incessantly distracted by my phone. I am learning to put it away.  

I am learning to better access the quiet place of Jesus Christ.  I am choosing to go there with Him, to sit still at His feet. I am learning to be nestled in the swaddling cloths of His love for me. I am listening to the love song and the lullaby He sings over me.  What a perfect time of year to receive such monumental gifts.   

Patchez

I have a cat named Patchez, and she has been sick for a few years now.  Kidney disease can present itself in all kinds of ways, but for Patchez, her stomach is always messed up. She doesn’t eat well.  Sometimes she will be persuaded, and sometimes she will not. She is 17 years old, but she found me as a barely weaned kitten.

She was hanging around my friend’s backyard, meowing incessantly and apparently homeless.  She had a bloated belly full of worms and was hungry.  She gobbled up the food we gave her.  She had ears full of mites, though I did not know that at the time. She needed a friend. 

She was such a sweet and talkative little girl, and as I was leaving, I told my friend, “If she jumps in my car when I open the door, I am taking her.” She jumped in my car as soon as I opened the door, and we went home together.  We have been buddies ever since.

I took her to the vet and got her all the medicine she needed. I cleaned her up and bought her all that she would need.  I committed to care for her, and her for me.    

Other than my husband, Patchez has been the most consistent and loving relationship of my adult life. Shortly after I first took her in, I underwent a complete identity overhaul.  I was in a crisis, and she saw me through many tears and bewildered moments.  She slept on my heart, her warm body purring against my chest, every night. She was a Comfort and a Constant. She saw me through such joy, too.  She preceded the meeting, dating, and marrying of my husband, my new life in Christ and the wonders of redemption, and beyond. She took the role of confidant, comforter, and daughter.

She sleeps in my open guitar cases as I play and especially loves when I play metal.  She meows me awake for no reason at all at 4 am and very vocally demands I open the back door for her, even if she doesn’t go out. She sits next to me at the kitchen table and waits patiently for small nibbles of people food, because I am so much of a sucker and it makes me happy to see her eat anything…

She was as spry as ever up until recently. She still has moments of chasing her tail or racing to her scratching pad to sharpen up her claws, but she sleeps a lot more. Arthritis has made her more of an old lady, and I notice that she goes up and down the stairs a bit more gingerly. 

She bellows and howls sometimes and the only thing I can understand is that she is in pain. Kidney disease gives her trouble filtering out the toxic waste from her system, so it gives her an “acid stomach” type of pain. The vet said constant nausea contributes to her lack of appetite. She drinks a lot of water and pees a whole lot, sometimes not getting it entirely inside her box. She is very skinny.

I hope and pray it is not her time to leave this world right now. I know she could go at any time, I hope not yet.  I also know she is not afraid of dying. Animals cope with pain, but not the anxiety surrounding death. Not catastrophic thinking or vanity or self preoccupation of any sort. That's why they are so much better at love than people.

I dread the likelihood of making a difficult decision to end her suffering. How my soul will ache and writhe and miss her like crazy. How I will wonder if it was the right time.  For now, I know it is not the time. I trust that she will let me know.  Others tell me she will.

I choose not to dread the end; I choose not to fear the impending loss. Instead, I will let her curl up on my chest with her soft black fur and her cat breath. I will listen lovingly to her constant, pointless meows and not scold her, even at 4 am. I will cherish her sitting and begging right next to me at the table, politely waiting for whatever nibble she won't eat.  I will revel in the gift of her and all that is her.  I want her to know, as best she can, the overwhelming love I have for her. Up until her time is up. For now, I will love her as best I know how.    

New Heart

I love that You deny me what I want so that I will run to you again.  Life is a series of disappointments and heartaches, and I will run to You over and over again. I love that You never allow me to be truly satisfied in ANY thing other than You. 

At a leadership meeting tonight, one of the commitments mentioned was a fully surrendered heart. And deep conviction constricted my chest.  I considered not taking communion.  There is a war for my heart, and I am wrestling. I am not wholly surrendering all to You. I want to keep a piece. 

I have not listened to You. I have heard You and twisted Your words into what I wanted them to be rather than what they were. I have tried to do things my way.  I have played with fire.

How gracious you have been to me, over the years, to prevent me from falling into that fire, from falling prey to Myself and My Will. Prey to the evil spirit I have engaged.  I have stupidly, foolishly tolerated it. I fed the flames of destruction, sometimes unwittingly, sometimes intentionally. And You have protected me. You didn't have to. You don't have to now. It could have whisked me away, could have consumed my life, my marriage...I must acknowledge the gravity of it. This foolish and stubborn flesh would ruin my testimony if not for Your grace.  Thank You for protecting me from the mouth of Leviathan, though I stuck my head directly in its mouth.

God of mercy, thank you for Your faithfulness. Thank you that your steadfast love depends on You and not me. Not me or my love for you, But You. You have sheltered me through every storm, You have loved me through every fear and doubt. You have held on to me despite me. You have been a loyal and longsuffering companion amidst my idolatry and adultery and stupidity. You are most definitely not going to give me what I want with this one, because in Your love You deny me.  You give me not what I want, but what I need.  And I need NEW.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Ezekiel 36:26-27

Your voice to me now is gentle and stern, quiet and thundering. I have to trust that you will do this, Lord.  There are times when I need more than heart transformation, heart renewal.  I need you to remove the old and replace it with Brand New.  And You do it. You will do it, because you are You.  

Though I am weary of warfare, I draw my Sword, but it is different this time. This time, I will not ask You what I should do, how I should handle it in the attempts to "figure it out." I am not trying to rid myself of the bad and put on good, because these are my meager attempts to control it and to try to fix myself. I want relief more than I want You. I want the self righteousness of a solution that I am a part of. My introspection and self reflection and understanding will always fall short of simply seeking Your face. I will not resort to using You as a self help method, I will look to you as my King. You are all I need. Oh Lord, that I would come to the end of myself entirely. 

 This time, maybe for the first time in 16 years, I am aware of what all I am fighting for.  It is Everything.  I am fighting for my life in Christ. 

Monumental

So much has changed on the mountain of Mogote since I first began serving there 14 years ago.  The people no longer hang their heads in inferiority or avoid our eyes when they see us. The roads were paved in 2016, which means that even the Honduran government recognizes the work being done. The community of Nueva España has prospered and the joy is palpable in this place.  Hope for Honduras continues building houses, feeding mouths, and educating minds in the name of Jesus Christ. But the mission no longer does feeding during school here, or in the streets here, as this Colonia is sustaining the transformative work of the Lord.  Though it still remains the central hub for education and much of their mercy mission work, Hope for Honduras has transferred feeding programs to another Colonia.  This Colonia, Las Cabañas, feels much like Nueva España used to.  

Other things have grown up, too, like our Genesis. 💕

When I met Genesis and her mother in 2013, I had no idea of the wondrous work God would do. Billy and I simply felt called to give. We gave a little a month at first. Then, we gave a little more a month to help Genesis start her education at Hope Academy.  And 11 years later, she continues to make honor roll after honor roll.  She knows English and speaks it clearly.  She is a smart little girl, but she is really no longer little. Our “little” gal recently celebrated her quinceañera! (15th birthday) 

What a beautiful color on a beautiful dress.  Beautiful Jesus, it has been our blessing to watch her grow into a young woman. 

But this past week, God gave to me the blessing of a lifetime.

Fridays are the perfect ending to a perfect week in Honduras, because we get to give a house we build to a family in need. This is a life changing blessing for both parties! And as we give, we remind them of the One who gave His life for us on the cross. Along with the house, we give tangible elements that symbolize Him and His provision. Bread, for the bread of life.  Water, for the living water that quenches a thirsty soul. Flowers, for the reminder of God’s glory through creation. The Word of God, for the equipping and the sustaining of His saints. This ceremony, filled with so much meaning, captures every eye, and pulls every heart string of the ones present. We leave with the abounding elation that only the Lord could bring.  

But this time….this time. As we approached the house we would give, a love so deep and so tender swelled in my heart, it could have exploded.  This time, we gave the house to a family I know. 

As we walked up, the family I know was playing a tune I recognized instantly: “La Nina De Tus Ojos.”  It literally means, “The Little Girl of Your Eyes” and it describes the way God looks at us. This was the same song we sang and played in 2013, when Genesis captured my heart. When she became the Little Girl of My Eyes.  She had been the Little Girl of HIS Eyes before the foundation of the world.

You don’t have to be a mama to have kids.  You don’t have to be a mama to have a spiritual legacy to leave, or the love of the Lord to give. Genesis is my kiddo, and she will be no matter how old she gets. Here are Genesis and I in her brand new house, with me holding the first letter she wrote me in 2014.   

I just don’t even know what to do with the blessing God has so tenderly provided to me in building a house for her and for her family. All I can really do is weep.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for making my heart OVERFLOW.

Still, Still, Still

This life offers many distractions.  A world comes through a cell phone; everyone holds endless escape at their fingertips. Creature comforts of Netflix and social media and the internet must do Something for us, as evidenced by the whole culture with their heads down. Diversion consumes us. Maybe the constant checking in and refreshing and searching quells the noisiness of the mind.  It gives us some type of stimulus that we feel is worthwhile, if only for a fleeting moment. Fleeting moments turn into hours.

This life is hard on the soul. We want escape from all the awfulness--loneliness, Death, sorrow, sickness, suffering. The dagger wound from a friend.  The people we love making awful choices.  Hurting comes in droves, and temporary escape comes much easier than facing thoughts and feelings.  When we do stop the outside noise, we grow tired, bored, uncomfortable, maybe hopeless.  Maybe helpless. The storms of life rage beyond anything we can control or calm. We avoid stillness, lest we think about the storm.  

This life is also listless and boring.  The monotony of the day to day drags by, day to day.  After all, there is nothing new under the sun.  We do all the things and chase all the things, and tomorrow, they must be done and chased again.  Houses need cleaning, food needs cooking, things need arranging and organizing, kids need parenting. Work always needs working, and Doing can Do all the day long.  There are few reasons to sit and stay still, and so many reasons to run around. We can't be still, because we feel guilty....we really shouldn't.

During his ministry time, one night, Jesus went to the home of Martha and Mary for dinner. Scripture says that Martha opened her home to Him, she gave Him the invitation to dinner, but she was too busy to spend time with Him.  Too busy to be still, she literally ran around, distracted and worried about many things other than Him.  Maybe she wanted to cook Him a fancy dinner because she loved Him.  Maybe she wanted to cook Him a fancy dinner to impress Him.  No matter what her motive, she missed sitting at His feet and listening to Him. Simply being in His presence was the most important thing, but she didn't get it. Her sister Mary sat, though.  Mary understood that dinner would get done eventually, things would get done, or maybe they wouldn't, but none of that really mattered.  The thing that mattered most was sitting right in front of her face, and she was going to be Still. 

There is a beautiful old lullaby called "Still, Still, Still."  It is traditionally a Christmas carol; Mary holds the baby Jesus in her arms and soothes Him as He sleeps.  A cold night in a manger, and a newborn baby needed wrapping in swaddling clothes and a mother's warm comfort. Still, Still, Still. Peace, heart be still.   

When a little baby flails, they need swaddling.  As panic sets in and arms reach out, swaddling gives them the comfort of stillness. The safety of being Still, Still, Still. So it is with the quiet place of Jesus Christ.  Choosing to go there with Him, and sitting still at His feet, we swaddle ourselves with the sweet lullaby of the gospel. We protect ourselves from the things of this world, our distracted arms nestled safely beside us.  And He sings a love song over our souls.  Oh, the safety and security of the gospel...the LOVE of it. It is swaddling clothes for those who believe.   

In this life, there are many things for which to be distracted and worried, but only one thing is necessary.  One thing is most important.  One thing is needed, and that is time at His feet.  Still, Still, Still.  Peace, heart be still.    

Thoughts on My Musicianship

 I wish I was more mature.  It is quite ridiculous, seeing as I am 41 years old. I wish I did not let things bother me the way they do.  Like, being threatened at the talent of other musicians.  And worrying about being "good enough" and trying to play Zakk Wylde when I have freakishly small hands. My ego as a guitarist is a lot bigger than my hands. 

This is stupid, and it makes me feel stupid and totally raw and vulnerable to admit this, but I am really not that great as a musician.  Considering the length of time I have played, I should be worlds better. I put up road blocks for myself.  I sabotage myself.  I practice like 4 hours a day, for like 4 days.  And my fingers fall off and just when I am breaking new ground, I go back to completely ignoring my guitar for months.  When not forced to play, I don't.  When not forced to practice, I won't.  I let my guitar and all my expensive gear collect dust.  It is silly, and it is an awfully expensive thing to let sit in a corner and rot away.  Ignoring a bowl of rice would be cheaper. 

The thing is, it is all about a mental block for me.  I have questions for God, like: "Why do I run so hot and cold? Why do I go so hot and heavy with it and then fall off a cliff?  Why do I feel so ashamed and weird when I see other guitarists online that are actually making the most of their talent, exercising their gift, or who are more talented than me? Why do I feel like I can't post things I play unless they are perfect?  Why is this thing so much about appearances for me?"  And yes, I know all those last questions are purely connected to my pride. 

I am a prideful, fiery person. I think waaaaaaaay too much of myself, and it shows in how I operate with this gift of music. I know it is a gift of God.  I know it has been entrusted to me and it is about His glory.  And I make it about me.  At my heart of hearts, I am a glory seeker, and a glory stealer.  

Facebook isn't even real.  People who post their videos or their pics probably took twenty takes before the one that got published. And I know that, yet I play the game, too. 

Right now, I am really digging John Mayer's "Gravity," because it is so simple, and yet, so complex.  The chord structure is simple, but the voicings are just delicious, and so are the lyrics.  I RELATE to what he is saying about feeling the pull of self sabotage and being your own worst enemy.  And it is so inherent, it equates to a force like gravity.  This thing beguiles him, but is intrinsic to his nature. 

God, free me from Myself.  I ask Him how, and He always tells me.  When there is a big life development from Him to free me of myself, He always shows me what I must surrender, what practical things I must do and what I must believe and the ways in which I must change my thinking.  He has done it time and time and time again.  I have just never asked Him about music. Here we go.  

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I love it when God communicates the same thing to me several times, in several different ways.  When He really wants to break through to my thick heart.

Sunday's sermon was about God's relationship with us as a Father.  His Goodness and Love.  And I'm like yeah yeah yeah.

Then, my quiet time the next day, these verses:

How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. Psalm 31:19

And for some reason, this pierced my hardened heart.  I had to cry because I am not sure why I forgot.  I am not sure why I had been having such a hard time spending time at His feet.  I go through these spiritual valleys sometimes...I try to connect with Him but ultimately act like I can take Him or leave Him.  He and I both know that is so far from true.

This Psalm, 31, will be my fight song.  These will be my fighting words, by which I fight my way back to Him.  Fight my flesh and my self centered, deceitful desires.

I spend a lot of time being angry and unmerciful and disillusioned towards people.  It is really a defense mechanism against the hurt and the disappointment, because people do things to offend me, or slight me, or fail me, or hurt me, or disappoint me, or sadden me.  Because People.  People are messy. I find that the cost of truly loving people is high, and I find myself struggling to pay.

Half the time I am ticked at someone, that someone doesn't know.  I have been kind and gracious in person, but then I am hard and callous and hateful at heart, without bothering to pray or surrender or mend the situation or communicate, or even more importantly, allow myself the sorrow.  It has always been my default to choose Anger over pain....ever since I was little.  I remember my mom telling me the story of when I had tubes in my ears at two years old.  I woke up from surgery literally swinging and furious.

Anger, for me, holds more power than pain.  Even when in physical pain, I bow up and become Angry.  Even when I am startled, it is easier for me to become Angry instead of scared. I will Yell rather than Cry every time. Some people don't mind being vulnerable or giving way to sorrow or pain, just not me.

I feel the twinge of pain or sadness and I immediately twist it into anger.  I grow callous and cold and shut down my heart.  If  you want to act like that, I will simply cut you off. And I put on the attitude, I don't need you. I feel like if I "don't care," or if I say these things to myself enough, I can shut down the pain of you offending me or hurting me, and I will be fine.  I don't need anybody.  It is alot easier than What did I do?  Did I wrong you in some way?  or Wow, I guess I felt differently and thought you did, too. 

Here is another one that gets me:  You are too messy.  Because when you love people and you are in their garbage with them, you see them go around the hamster wheel until they claw their way off.  And sometimes that is painstakingly difficult.  If my heart is invested in them, it is miserable to watch....they often continue in slavery and I long for them to be free, indefinitely. Lately, I have been relishing this time away, thinking, I am done with people and their mess for now. Thank God for this quarantine. 

The problem is, Anger and Detachment are not healthy solutions for processing the emotions of a human heart. They are not very effective, but the bigger problem is, they are not HOLY.  They have no ounce of the LOVE by which He loves me.  And I cannot excuse myself breathing that in and then not living it out.  I cannot excuse living for my own means when Jesus has offered His life to free me of so many chains.  I am messy as can be, and He CLEARLY loves me.  He cherishes me.  He came down into the muck after me, and He paid the ultimate cost to show me His love.  He did not find me to be too much trouble, and MY how I fail Him.  But He still treasures and adores me.  💗Will I love people like that?  No.  Will I try?  Yes.  Will I experience sorrow and pain and hurt?  Of course...this is part of the human experience and recorded throughout Scripture, especially the Psalms.  If I cry out to God in sorrow and suffering, He ALWAYS gives comfort. But my Anger and Detachment are just my own Selfishness and Sin, and they lead to nowhere good.  They do not lead to Him.

This quarantine has brought out the "ugly" in me in many ways.  But Jesus softens me. It is always only a matter of time before He takes sandpaper to the rough edges of my heart.  Melts those edges away, really. Because I think about how specific and personal is His love for me. I KNOW that Great is His faithfulness, because I have seen it time and time again.  He not only freed me from the punishment of hell and gave me the keys to eternal life in Him, but He has broken Every. Single. Chain.  It was bigger, more obvious chains at first, and boy did He ever shatter those.  My gorgeous husband....it still wrecks me that He gave me Billy and transformed my whole heart from the inside out with love.  I no longer desire the same things or think the same way when it comes to women.  But He did not stop there.....with each subsequent and smaller chain I have worn on my wrists, He has shattered those as well.  Numerous chains, big and small, He shatters. This freedom I continue to find in Him has been such powerful evidence of How He continues to woo me. And so today, an old hymn seems more than appropriate to express my heart:

Great is Thy faithfulness
O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been
Thou forever will be
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me

God, forgive me. Break this chain, too, so I can love people more like YOU.

Death

Occasionally, we get a glaring reminder that we could die at any
moment. We get hit with a ton of bricks--a friend gets diagnosed
with a terminal illness. An older family member gives way to the
earth. A child is in a freak car accident. And the realization is
sudden and swift as it is true: God alone holds the keys to life
and death. We do not have any control over the number of our
days. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book
were written,every one of them, the days that were formed for
me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:16

This Coronavirus could kill you, and it could kill me. But it doesn't
even have to be the virus that takes us out. We might follow
every single health precaution and eat organic food and exercise
and sleep 8 hours a day and wear our seatbelts and take care of
our bodies to the utmost degree. But we are mortal.

Theories abound as to why this virus sweeps the earth. God’s
punishment? His wrath? His answer for human depravity? 
Maybe. Unequivocally, we grow increasingly evil, further and
further from the people He intended.  But to nitpick and call
certain sins the reason that God might be punishing us is
incredibly arrogant.To even classify this as certain punishment is
also erroneous, I believe. We cannot know why God has allowed
this. We can know that His design was never for sickness, death,
suffering, or despair.  He created perfection and sought us to live
in it with Him. He gave us free will to choose Him and believe
Him, and we turned away from Him and broke the whole world.
Now, sin and suffering and death run rampant. 

But death. I wish that all the people of this Earth did not fear
death, that they could stare it right down in the eyes.  Because
whether or not you believe that Christ has conquered death,
whether or not you believe that He is the son of God, whether
or not you believe that His sacrifice on the cross clears a path
for your entrance to Heaven and atones for your sin, it is true.
If you believe this, if you know it, if you live it and love it, then,
death is not such a terrifying thing. It is a wondrous thing, full
of hope and promise eternal. You long for it, in a way.

God…...bring those people to salvation who do not believe in you.
Let them believe.  Let them seek you and find you, because I
know you offer yourself freely to them. I know your eyes roam the
earth for hearts that might believe. Your grace is a gift.  Let them
understand, let them know. Let the fear, the suffering, and the
sickness drive more people to you. We have a heightened sense
of our mortality now, and we need you.

The Muck and the Ocean

I imagine a woman standing on the shore watching the ocean. She senses God’s great power.  He is the one who commands this, the wind and the waves.   She is humble and meek and out of instinct, out of respect, she bows.  She feels the wonder and the glory of it.  And there is this hesitation, a little bit of trepidation, because she senses God calling her into the ocean. He beckons her. The waves swell monstrously high and there are unknowns....what if she gets sucked under or swept away?  The shore is much safer.  But she takes the chance to step in, and she wills herself out into the waves, and there, she discovers that the waves are made of GOD’S LOVE.  And if these waves are love, what reason does she have to fear?  This ocean water contains no salt, it is living water. This water sustains, and quenches the deepest of thirsts.  The waves of God's love satiate her soul.

There exists an ocean of love available for those who seek it.  No one could fully comprehend the vastness and the depths of it. He calls us out there to know it and to live.  He invites us to make that first step, and by faith we wade out even further.  And then we see….we experience the love crashing over us, in wave after wave. His love gives sweet freedom and revelation. New life for our bones.

Ministry is a dogfight.  It is full of desperate and horrible situations.  Of people making the same mistakes over and over again.  Falling flat on their faces. The hamster wheel of sin choices, the cycle.  And you watch people go round and round and finally they cry out for help. And you get down in the muck with them.  You roll up your pant legs and you get into the filth and you reach out your hand and you beg for them to put Jesus first. You pray and you hope and you love them. And you plead for them to consider Jesus. Because beside that muck is the OCEAN.  He has been waiting for them, with a love beyond measure.

But they don’t move.   Because after all these years of ministry, I know, that most people just don’t.

“For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

It is not that they want to stay in the muck, maybe it is just that they are overwhelmed by the Ocean.  Maybe it is just that they do not trust the Ocean because they have never been in it.  And there are so many implications to getting out of the mud and living for JESUS. Yes, it means surrender to your lack of control.  YES, it means obedience. Yes…it means unspeakable joy and hope and life.

He longs for us, He longs to pull us out of our muck. To cleanse us from it. And we cry out to Him when we are in it, maybe even entirely because we put ourselves there.  It doesn’t mean we don’t beg Him to save us….  We want to be free of worry and depression and heartache and anger and misery and fear.  This miserable life….He longs to show us more, but how can He save us without our faith? I truly hurt for people. And I want SO BADLY for them to give Jesus everything!!  Do the hard stuff!!  Take the courage!! Fight for your life.  But you have to lose your life to save it….

It keeps me up at night, the people in the muck.  If I focus on the muck I drown in it.  If I focus on the people in it, I drown in them. I must admit, I have been drowning lately and not focusing on the Ocean, not getting in the Ocean myself.  I need that OCEAN just as much as the people I counsel.  I cannot save anyone from the muck.  And I cannot transplant you from the muck to the water.  Only Jesus can.

Thirst

On my way to work this morning, I saw a stray cat drinking a nearly dry puddle on the side of the curb.  The water was muddy and practically nonexistent.  And my heart hurt for this cat, who was clearly thirsty and not really solving that problem.  And then it brought to mind all the People, souls in remote places of the world, walking miles and miles to their only clean water source, with their children in tow.  And how thirsty they must be as they walk those dusty, dry roads...watching their children die of thirst before even making it to the well.

I stopped at a red light and glanced over at the driver in the car next to me.  The guy was mundanely rubbing his eyes in the car.  And it occurred to me that in this post Christian society, the probability is that he does not have faith in Christ.  Maybe he claims to be a Christian or identifies as a Christian because of some institution of his childhood, but does he really believe?  Does he live his life accordingly?  And like many, many people in this area, his soul is probably destined for hell.  Where people would give anything for water as they gnash their teeth and suffer, Eternally thirsty.

And as I continue driving I am praying….Oh, the horrors that are happening on my street right now.  People committing atrocities towards one another, and the wronged are suffering and striving and scrapping to emotionally survive.  Carelessness, wickedness, Godlessness lead to deep wounds of the heart.  We live in a dark, horrible world marred by sin.  We thirst for redemption and cleansing and justice.

I consider all the sickness that has overwhelmed everyone I know this season.  It seems no one on my block can get well or stay well, and none of my family can, either.  I have a friend who has two little boys, and she just saw the stomach flu for two days move throughout her whole household.  My neighbor has a stupid high fever; my other neighbor is working despite a cold. And I consider….all this temporary sickness is brutal….but some other friends I know are dying inside over the loss of their 2 year old baby boy to cancer.  I went to the hospital to visit as this baby was getting treatment after painful treatment and test.  When he saw me enter the room, he cringed and curled and buried himself in his mother’s breast because he thought I was a nurse there to terrorize him.  That baby suffered for a year and died, and now his parents are grieving so hard they thirst for Jesus and the end of this life.   

Almost to work now, I am blasting a song on repeat.  A song about hope.

I won't turn to dust now

Let these tears rust now….on my face

Give me the spark now

To believe

To see

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

For King and Country, “Crave”

Jesus MUST be our only hope, because hope isn’t often to be found in this life.  He must be our salve to the suffering; He must be our light in the darkness.  And He IS the living water that quenches our thirst.  

“But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."   John 4:14

He is the source from which we can drink and be satisfied.  Our thirsts quenched, no matter the state of our thirsty lives.  For we know that the living water He provides wells up in us until the day we die, the day our decaying bodies meet the earth from whence we came. And then, Eternity with Him. He made us with eternity in our hearts, a longing for something more than the mess we meet on earth.  Not only is He the reason for our longing, but He is the answer to it. The reason

To live, to die,
To lose, to get,
To rise above
To love again

We thirst after something we will not find on this temporal earth, this broken world, and that is Him. As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after thee...

The well awaits our drawing of water.   Water bringing life to heal our thirst.

Waylayed

For the last 24 hours or so, I have been convicted in the sweetest way to love with more of His heart. I love how He always softens me with grace, the wonder and awe and beauty of it. It is never a condemning finger that convicts me to the inmost place....just a simple, loving voice.  And I sense how BIG and how POWERFUL and JUST He is, at the same time understanding how meek and mild and beautiful He is.  The lion and the lamb.  The majesty and the melody. The One who has the power to waylay, simply woos. 

His love is dramatic and powerful and bold, but it is also a love song to the deepest place of my heart. 

Woe is me.  I am floored.  I am wretched.  But in Him, I am beautiful.

And I meditate on all the ways that He has freed me.  Much to our wonder and amazement, He has answered every prayer my mother ever prayed for me!!!!!!  Throughout my rebellion.  Throughout the darkness.  And my prayers for myself over these many years, if they have been rooted in Him, have been so deafeningly, undeniably, unquestionably, Answered.  Incredible, faithful God.  

Not only has He made good on His promise to lift me from my pit, make me a new creation, transform my identity from a hopeless, marijuana addicted lesbian to a purposeful, whole, healthy Child of God, but he Has wooed my heart in the process.  And transformed me more and more and more and more by His love.  

He continues to break the chains, slough off the scales from my eyes, break me and build me back up again.  To the point where I am just overwhelmed and cannot even fathom.....His love for me knows no bounds. 

Even as recent as the struggle with Food and Exercise.  The FREEDOM He has manifested in me....  To where I do not worship the scale, the Fitbit, the calories, the fats, the carbs. It had become idolatry to me.  And He showed me how to lay it down and trust Him.  And like many of His miracles go, mine was physical and MEDICAL.  I learned to love God more than my idol and let go, and trust Him.  And He showed me how faithful He is.....I am no longer medically considered a Type II diabetic. Maybe this story deserves its own post, but I am just so compelled to write about the goodness of the Lord that I have to throw it in.  Please understand that it is not a side note.  

I am still a broken jar of clay. Him and I, we have alot of work to do in me.  But I just wanted you and Him and everyone else to know, I AM ALL IN on this with Him. I will continue to be all in with Him for the duration of my life.  Sickness and sorrow, sadness and joy, health and happiness, whatever comes what may.  Until the LAST TRUMPET OF MY LIFE SOUNDS, I love you, Lord.  I love you, TOO. And today I am overwhelmed by YOU.  Enough to put pen to paper.  With the quill of my life, I will share of your goodness to me.       

Dream from 2011

I had a dream about a small dog barking on the side of a riverbank. It was barking repeatedly, not at anything in particular, just being noisy. Then, a massive leathery crocodile appeared just under the surface of the water and started swimming towards it. As the crocodile moved closer towards the barking dog on the riverbank, I was scared for the dog. I thought it really needed to stop barking if it didn't want to get eaten, but part of me wanted to see the crocodile jump out of the water and just get it. Then, the crocodile changed directions--it wasn't moving directly towards the dog, it was going to creep up on it on the side of the river bank. It slinked out of the water and began making its way up the bank. But then, the crocodile was no longer a crocodile on the river bank, it was a sleek black panther. The panther was huge and scary, but also attractive in a strange way, black and shiny, and smooth as velvet. The dog was no longer barking at this point, but the panther was stealthily inching over to where it was on the bank. And then, a lion came out of the forest, a huge lion bigger than anything yet....proportionally much bigger and more majestic than any of the other beasts. It poked itshead from the forest, and it's mane took up practically all of the vision in the dream. I felt it's pure power....it very nonchalantly slapped the panther down, with one paw, pinning it down from behind. It sat on the back of the panther and started eating it's head, devouring it alive as the panther wimpered and cried out.

To Tell the Truth

We live in a culture with such a sensitive social climate.  If your beliefs contradict those of the social norm, you must exercise extreme caution in expressing them.  Speaking unpopular beliefs may get you tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.  Specifically, Christians get this a lot.  Accused of bigotry for many of their beliefs, in recent years, it is the belief that homosexuality is sin, and that God intended marriage to be solely between a man and a woman. 

It is tempting to compromise in social situations.  Not just in saving face, either, but because of compassion and sympathy.  A history of prejudice and misunderstanding from the Christian community towards the LGBTQ community polarizes the two.  Some well-meaning Christians want to make up for the past, for the wrongs of the Christian community as a whole.  They want to bridge the gap.

  

And so, for several reasons, it is tempting for Christians to adopt a less divisive, more “feel good” stance than a firm belief that divides.  Because make no mistake about it, as sensitively as Christians can lay it out there, this belief is divisive.  It is either true or it is not; both sides of the argument cannot be true because they contradict one another.  

Maybe we question whether or not what we believe is true; we question whether or not homosexuality is really a sin.  But when we take into account the multitude of scripture that implies and even outright declares homosexuality as a sin-- Romans 1:24-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 1 Timothy 1:9-11—we have a lot of difficulty making a case for it being holy or acceptable to God.  There also exists God’s first commandment to people, His original desire for multiplication of men and women. (Genesis 1:28) And, of course, the way male and female bodies come together sexually to fulfill that purpose. (Genesis 2:24) Honestly, there are just no other ways to interpret those; much more difficult is finding a different interpretation for them.  So, if this historical, traditional, and biblical understanding about the nature of man and woman and sexuality and sexual sin has ever been true, then it has always been true. And it will always be true.  If it’s hard to swallow, if it’s uncomfortable, or if we don’t like it, it doesn’t become any less true. The beauty of scripture is that it is infallible, everlasting, and unchanging.

The gospel of Jesus Christ stings sometimes.  Not just for gay people struggling to reconcile homosexuality with their Christian faith.  In general, some sin just doesn’t feel like slavery, and when the Bible calls it sin, we resist.  We remain clinging to it, protesting and justifying it.  Deep within us is a longing for our sin more than Him.  Even at the start of our faith, from the moment we receive Christ, He promises a difficult and fundamental change for us: He replaces our hearts of stone with hearts of flesh, (Ezekiel 36:26) and we become a new creation from the inside out. (2 Corinthians 5:17)  This is a wondrous thing, but it is not without the pain of transformation.  Heart surgery leaves us sore. And although on the inside the old has “gone away,” we spend the rest of our lives trying to live that out on the outside!!!  This new creation Jesus created internally, this “death to self” He requires of us to live out as a result, He never said it would be easy.  He said just the opposite. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24) Truth about sin can be so painful.

The gospel of Jesus also inspires more joy, peace, wisdom, love, and life than anything else that this world could ever give.  The clichés are true and I have seen them happen in reality—the slave sloughs off his sin chains, the lost become found, the blind see.  Jesus makes manifest in people’s hearts and lives so that they become brand new people….transformed from the inside out.  Born again, they embody a new life with a new purpose.  This has happened to me.  But it didn’t happen without the sting. It didn’t happen without some folks willing to share the hard and uncomfortable truths about my sin.  I didn’t get a new heart without the removal of my old heart, and I never would have pursued my life change without people willing to tell me the truth. Truth can set us free.

If we don’t proclaim the bittersweet and sometimes difficult truths of the gospel, we do people a GREAT disservice.  For unbelievers and believers alike, if we exchange the realities of sin for what we want them to be, or what we wish they were, we haven’t really shared the gospel.  We give people a shallow counterfeit version of the gospel….no challenges, no refining truth, no working out your salvation with joy and trembling as you learn to let go of your sin and trust that Jesus is King.  Just believe what you want rather than the unchanging truth of scripture.  Believe what is more convenient with what you are doing, and let your faith morph and mesh with the culture of the times.  And then, tragically, we have missed the opportunity to share the beauty of the real gospel that saves….

It boils down to this: we cannot be afraid to lovingly and sensitively stand for truth with this issue of homosexuality and gay marriage.  There is a time and a place and sensitivity must be of utmost importance with sharing truth--I can’t emphasis that enough!! The love and redemption of Christ is what we model, and that certainly isn’t rooted in debating argumentatively and antagonistically on Facebook.  But also, it isn’t rooted in omitting information you think is really important or telling people what you wish were true, what you think they want to hear.   That wouldn’t be love at all.  And it wouldn’t be compassionate.  At the very least, it would be suppressing the truth and watching them continue in sin, and at the most, it would be supporting and affirming the sin.

Because we love people, we stand for the freedom that Christ proclaims and promises to give us when we surrender sin and embody His truths. We don’t proclaim truth because we have a point to prove.  We don’t proclaim truth because we have to be right.  Again, we must sensitively choose a time and a place for having a one on one conversation with someone, face to face, after prayer and careful consideration. But we don’t negate to tell the truth.  We proclaim truth because we believe in the freedom behind it!!  We proclaim truth because we believe it.  Because we do want to love people well, with REAL love, real love that may contradict public opinion and may cause persecution or scorn or distaste.  We are willing to do that because we are willing to suffer and sacrifice for the cross; and we genuinely want people to know about the sweet, beautiful freedom of Jesus Christ. 

In loving our neighbor as ourselves, the Word of God tells us that we speak the truth in love.  We will not succumb to the approval of man, the approval of our friends, the approval of the culture. Love confronts. (Matthew 18:15) Love gently rebukes. (Luke 17:3)  Love protects.  (1 Corinthians 13:7) Love gently restores.  (Galatians 6:1) Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. (1 Corinthians 13: 6) And love does not compromise truth, because it is the freedom that seeps into our bones and changes us from the inside out.  Love speaks honestly, (Ephesians 4:25; Colossians 3:9) because love understands that the truth makes us free. (John 8:32)

My Discovery...

My experience:

Physically, I see that my countenance has changed.  When I see myself in the mirror a light has come into my eyes that wasn't there before.  Literally, they are brighter and more full of life.  I feel myself holding my head up higher and looking at people directly in the face more often.  My smile comes more readily to my lips. I feel myself walking with my posture straighter.  I see people looking at me differently and I look at them differently.  When I smile at them, they physically can't help but smile back...  

Spiritually, I had a revelation. You see, before this conference began, I believed the gospel applied to the inside of me, but not the outside.  Jesus was my righteousness, my strength, and my salvation, and He had made the inside of me beautiful through His work on the cross.  I knew my worth in Him on the inside.  But on the outside, I wasn't good enough.  The love of Jesus had not pervaded how I felt about my appearance....I felt that He had not made me beautiful on the outside.  But Christ, through this conference, has helped me connect both TRUTHS about the gospel.  Jesus has made me beautiful on the outside as well as in.  He made me, He intricately crafted every feature of the way that I look, He said "This woman will have exactly the features and the face and the body that I will use for MY purposes. I have created a thing of beauty."  And I have realized that I am beautiful.  Not in a conceited way, not in a self centered way, but in a very tangible understanding about what the gospel says about me....about who I am in Christ on the outside.  And just like on the inside, on the outside He treasures me for just the way that I am.  He not only accepts my outer beauty, He loves it.  He made it... ^_^   

I am still being transformed.  Different things are happening to me as we speak that I am not sure about yet, but I know one thing. I am not stopping here. I am taking this newfound freedom to its fullest extent.  I am a beautiful, secure woman. 

Suffering

Girls, it occurred to me last night as I lay down to go to sleep that a lot of us are in deep trials and suffering right now in our lives.  Joblessness, anxiety, health issues, family issues, and deep heartache from divorce or death are only a few of the things I can name off the top of my head.  These are heavy burdens…

 I want to thank you earnestly from the bottom of my heart for y’all being willing to share those things with the group. I also wanted to send you this email to encourage you.  I want to share with you some thoughts on Romans 8:28-29.

You have probably heard the first verse, 28, as it is often said, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  But people often misinterpret this verse to mean that God works in all things so that your life will be good, and that is His purpose.  Like, God works in all things so you can have a “good” and happy life.  The problem with that is, where is the happiness in divorce?  Where is the good in sickness and suffering and lack of peace?  Where is the good in death?  How is that for our “good,” God?

Well, it’s not.  None of those things are for our “good” in the common way we think of that word. Those things are heartbreaking and gut wrenching and awful, in fact.  But we have to read the verse in context to understand, that is not what God through Paul was trying to say.  What God defines as “good,” what the real definition of good is, comes right after, in verse 29: "For those who God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."  

God’s meaning for “good,” and His primary purpose for you and your life, is for you to be made more like Christ.  Your happiness and contentment and fulfillment and joy and peace will likely result, but that is secondary to His “good” purpose.  When you become more and more like Christ, which is the “good,” you will be able to shine His character and love/live like He did, helping others understand and receive salvation.  You becoming more like Christ will ALWAYS be for your good because it is for God’s glory.

But sometimes the process of becoming more like Christ can be extremely difficult.  When you think about it, it makes sense.  How else do we grow in our patience if not to experience things that make us have to wait?  We would have no way of learning patience otherwise!!  Waiting is hard, but patience is the “good” and Godly quality that comes out of it. Suffering and heartache are awful, but receiving deep comfort and peace from Christ is the “good” that comes out of it. And there is something about suffering that connects us to Him in a profound way…we get to experience a tiny taste of what He went through on the cross.  If there is anyone who has been through immense suffering and heartache and physical pain, it’s Jesus. We tore his heart AND his body in two.   

Also, it’s not as though God enjoys you suffering; rather, the Bible says He hates the suffering of His children and He suffers with us. Remember, it was never His design for us to experience suffering in the first place-- we ruined perfection and His good plan for us when we sinned in the Garden of Eden.  We brought sin and suffering and even death into this world.  But…being the redeemer that He is, He longs to bring “good” even through our trials, even through our sin and self destruction; that we might be made into the image of Christ in the process.  He longs for you to live out the peace and hope and love that is Him in You. 

So, if you are hurting, if you are suffering, instead of saying, “Why me?” or “When will this end?” or “Why are you doing this to me, God?” A better question to ask yourself would be this: “How is God trying to make me more like Christ through all of this?” or “What lesson is God trying to teach me through all of this?”  Even if you can’t see it yet, those questions will lead you to the “good.” J

Love you all,

Krissy   

Genesis, the Beginning of Something Beautiful

In 2013, I had a moment with a mother in Honduras. It was out on the streets within the mountain of Mogoté, just outside of Tegucigalpa.  I was singing "La Niña de Tus Ojos" in the street with the little girls.  It translates, quite literally, into "The Little Girl of Your Eyes." His eyes.

As I played the guitar and sang with these little girls, the meaning of the song and how God sees us as His precious children, along with these little voices singing, overwhelmed me.   The tears poured out and I couldn’t sing anymore, but the little girls, with their sweet voices, carried the song.  One of the moms and I met eyes and she was bawling, too.  We embraced each other and praised God.

This mom’s name was Haydee, and her daughter's name was Genesis.  Genesis was such a pretty little girl…she had the most beautiful, expressive brown eyes.

I may have met her the year before, but in 2013, she really made an impression on me. She was only 4, but she acted much older.  She was one of the quiet kids, reserved and behaved. Her hands were always folded inside of each other and in her lap in front of her.  As the other kids romped around and tickled and tumbled, she sat and observed, taking it all in. 

When I sat down to play the guitar, she was enchanted by it, captivated by it.  As I strummed or picked the notes of a chord slowly, her face turned to me and those big brown eyes lit up with wonder and joy.  She smiled with her whole face as she watched and listened to me play!! 

She was shy.  When I moved in to let her see and hear the guitar more closely, she nervously looked away, but then found the courage to look back at me and break into a big beaming smile.  I coaxed her into taking the pick from my hand and let her strum while I changed chords, so that she could hear the different sounds.  She strummed so delicately and beamed when the sounds changed. :-)

When Billy and I got back home from the 2013 trip, I did some digging to find out who this little girl was, and what family she belonged to.  I found out that Genesis’ mom was Haydee, the same mom in the streets when the little girls were singing, the one who cried and praised God with me!!  That was it.  Billy and I decided to give the family some monthly support.  We began sending $50 a month, each month. 

When we went back to Honduras the next year, I was excited to see Genesis and her mom.  Out in the street the first day, I saw them both and ran up to greet them. Genesis was a little shy at first, but she did hug me at her mother’s coaxing. 

The next day, Genesis had found her courage.  When she saw me come outside, she marched right up to me and proudly stuck out an envelope.  I took it, opened it up, and my eyes began flooding with tears as I read the letter.

You see, all Billy and I did was to start sending a small gift of 50 dollars a month to Genesis and her family.  But what God did, with His incredibly personal touch, was to have that gift arrive for the first time on Genesis’ birthday.

A little girl turned 5, and what God did was provide for her the shoes and clothes that she really needed on a special day.  A birthday gift from the Lord Himself.  How precious He is to us...
  

I stood there reading the family's letter of thankfulness and awe, and I saw the pictures Genesis had drawn for me in magic marker, flowers and whatnot. :-)  She had also written a scripture in her 4-year old-handwriting, a Psalm of thanks that acknowledged the Lord's blessing.  It was clear there was a special connection between us and this family.

From the left: Me, Genesis' sister Katy, Haydee.  Genesis is up front. The father, Cristino, was working during the time of the picture. 

So, what we are doing now is sending sweet, shy Genesis to “Hope Academy.”  It is a program run by the organization we volunteer with on our mission trips every year-- “Hope for Honduras, Inc.”  Genesis will be starting as a kindergartener, and as we continue to provide sponsorship, she will continue on through grade school.  We have seen these programs in the flesh and know how valuable they are to feed children both spiritually and physically.  The mission is Christ, but physical needs are provided for as well.  And the education is also top notch. We feel blessed beyond measure to be able to give Genesis and her family this gift. We thank the Lord for what he has done and can't wait to see what He will continue to do!!

P.S. If you are interested in changing a child's life and spreading the gospel to the ends of the earth, consider sponsoring a child through Hope Academy, or donating to this mission:  https://www.hope4honduras.org/donate