New Heart

I love that You deny me what I want so that I will run to you again.  Life is a series of disappointments and heartaches, and I will run to You over and over again. I love that You never allow me to be truly satisfied in ANY thing other than You. 

At a leadership meeting tonight, one of the commitments mentioned was a fully surrendered heart. And deep conviction smothered my chest.  I considered not taking communion.  There is a war for my heart, and I am wrestling. I am not wholly surrendering all to You. I want to keep a piece. 

I have not listened to You. I have heard You and twisted Your words into what I wanted them to be rather than what they were. I have tried to do things my way.  I have played with fire.

How gracious you have been to me, over the years, to prevent me from falling into that fire, from falling prey to Myself and My Will. Prey to the evil spirit I have engaged.  I have stupidly, foolishly tolerated it. I fed the flames of destruction, sometimes unwittingly, sometimes intentionally. And You have protected me. You didn't have to. You don't have to now. It could have whisked me away, could have consumed my life, my marriage...I must acknowledge the gravity of it. This foolish and stubborn flesh would ruin my testimony if not for Your grace.  Thank You for protecting me from the mouth of the lion, though I stuck my head directly in its mouth.

God of mercy, thank you for Your faithfulness. Thank you that your steadfast love depends on You and not me. Not me or my love for you, But You. You have sheltered me through every storm, You have loved me through every fear and doubt. You have held on to me despite me. You have been a loyal and longsuffering companion amidst my idolatry and adultery and stupidity. You are most definitely not going to give me what I want with this one, because in Your love You deny me.  You give me not what I want, but what I need.  And I need NEW.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Ezekiel 36:26-27

Your voice to me now is gentle and stern, quiet and thundering. I have to trust that you will do this, Lord.  There are times when I need more than heart transformation, heart renewal.  I need you to remove the old and replace it with Brand New.  And You do it. You will do it, because you are You.  

Though I am weary of warfare, I draw my Sword, but it is different this time. This time, I will not ask You what I should do, how I should handle it in the attempts to "figure it out." I am not trying to rid myself of the bad and put on good, because these are my meager attempts to control it and to try to fix myself. I want relief more than I want You. My introspection and self reflection and understanding will always fall short of simply seeking Your face. I will not resort to using You as a self help method, I will look to you as my King. I will look to You because You are who You are, and You are all I need. Oh Lord, that I would come to the end of myself entirely. 

 This time, maybe for the first time in 16 years, I am aware of what all I am fighting for.  It is Everything.  I am fighting for my life in Christ.