Thoughts on My Musicianship

 I wish I was more mature.  It is quite ridiculous, seeing as I am 41 years old. I wish I did not let things bother me the way they do.  Like, being threatened at the talent of other musicians.  And worrying about being "good enough" and trying to play Zakk Wylde when I have freakishly small hands. My ego as a guitarist is a lot bigger than my hands. 

This is stupid, and it makes me feel stupid and totally raw and vulnerable to admit this, but I am really not that great as a musician.  Considering the length of time I have played, I should be worlds better. I put up road blocks for myself.  I sabotage myself.  I practice like 4 hours a day, for like 4 days.  And my fingers fall off and just when I am breaking new ground, I go back to completely ignoring my guitar for months.  When not forced to play, I don't.  When not forced to practice, I won't.  I let my guitar and all my expensive gear collect dust.  It is silly, and it is an awfully expensive thing to let sit in a corner and rot away.  Ignoring a bowl of rice would be cheaper. 

The thing is, it is all about a mental block for me.  I have questions for God, like: "Why do I run so hot and cold? Why do I go so hot and heavy with it and then fall off a cliff?  Why do I feel so ashamed and weird when I see other guitarists online that are actually making the most of their talent, exercising their gift, or who are more talented than me? Why do I feel like I can't post things I play unless they are perfect?  Why is this thing so much about appearances for me?"  And yes, I know all those last questions are purely connected to my pride. 

I am a prideful, fiery person. I think waaaaaaaay too much of myself, and it shows in how I operate with this gift of music. I know it is a gift of God.  I know it has been entrusted to me and it is about His glory.  And I make it about me.  At my heart of hearts, I am a glory seeker, and a glory stealer.  

Facebook isn't even real.  People who post their videos or their pics probably took twenty takes before the one that got published. And I know that, yet I play the game, too. 

Right now, I am really digging John Mayer's "Gravity," because it is so simple, and yet, so complex.  The chord structure is simple, but the voicings are just delicious, and so are the lyrics.  I RELATE to what he is saying about feeling the pull of self sabotage and being your own worst enemy.  And it is so inherent, it equates to a force like gravity.  This thing beguiles him, but is intrinsic to his nature. 

God, free me from Myself.  I ask Him how, and He always tells me.  When there is a big life development from Him to free me of myself, He always shows me what I must surrender, what practical things I must do and what I must believe and the ways in which I must change my thinking.  He has done it time and time and time again.  I have just never asked Him about music. Here we go.