Patchez

I have a cat named Patchez, and she has been sick for a few years now.  Kidney disease can present itself in all kinds of ways, but for Patchez, her stomach is always messed up. She doesn’t eat well.  Sometimes she will be persuaded, and sometimes she will not. She is 17 years old, but she found me as a barely weaned kitten.

She was hanging around my friend’s backyard, meowing incessantly and apparently homeless.  She had a bloated belly full of worms and was obviously hungry.  She gobbled up the food we gave her.  She had ears full of mites, though I did not know that at the time. She needed a friend. 

She was such a sweet and talkative little girl that as I was leaving, I told my friend, “If she jumps in my car when I open the door, I am taking her.” She jumped in my car as soon as I opened the door, and we went home together.  We have been buddies ever since.

I took her to the vet and got her all the medicine she needed. I cleaned her up and bought her all that she would need.  I committed to care for her, and her for me.    

Other than my husband, Patchez has been the most consistent and loving relationship of my adult life. Shortly after I first took her in, I underwent a complete identity overhaul.  I was in a crisis, and she saw me through many tears and bewildered moments.  She slept on my heart, her warm body purring against my chest, every night. She was a Comfort and a Constant. She saw me through such joy, too.  She preceded the meeting, dating, and marrying of my husband, my new life in Christ and the wonders of redemption, and beyond. She took the role of confidant, comforter, and daughter.

She sleeps in my open guitar cases as I play and especially loves when I play metal.  She meows me awake for no reason at all at 4 am and very vocally demands I open the back door for her, even if she doesn’t go out. She sits next to me at the kitchen table and waits patiently for small nibbles of people food, because I am so much of a sucker and it makes me happy to see her eat anything…

She was as spry as ever up until recently. She still has moments of chasing her tail or racing to her scratching pad to sharpen up her claws, but she sleeps a lot more. Arthritis has made her more of an old lady, and I notice that she goes up and down the stairs a bit more gingerly. 

She bellows and howls sometimes and the only thing I can understand is that she is in pain. Kidney disease gives her trouble filtering out the toxic waste from her system, so it gives her an “acid stomach” type of pain. The vet said constant nausea contributes to her lack of appetite. She drinks a lot of water and pees a whole lot, sometimes not getting it entirely inside her box. She is very skinny.

I hope and pray it is not her time to leave this world right now. I know she could go at any time, I hope not yet.  I also know she is not afraid of dying. Animals cope with pain, but not the anxiety surrounding death. Not catastrophic thinking or vanity or self preoccupation of any sort. That's why they are so much better at love than people.

I dread the likelihood of making a difficult decision to end her suffering. How my soul will ache and writhe and miss her like crazy. How I will wonder if it was the right time.  For now, I know it is not the time. I trust that she will let me know.  Others tell me she will.

I choose not to dread the end; I choose not to fear the impending loss. Instead, I will let her curl up on my chest with her soft black fur and her rancid breath. I will listen lovingly to her constant, pointless meows and not scold her, even at 4 am. I will cherish her sitting and begging right next to me at the table, politely waiting for whatever nibble she won't eat.  I will revel in the gift of her and all that is her.  I want her to know, as best she can, the overwhelming love I have for her. Up until her time is up. For now, I will love her as best I know how.    

New Heart

I love that You deny me what I want so that I will run to you again.  Life is a series of disappointments and heartaches, and I will run to You over and over again. I love that You never allow me to be truly satisfied in ANY thing other than You. 

At a leadership meeting tonight, one of the commitments mentioned was a fully surrendered heart. And deep conviction smothered my chest.  I considered not taking communion.  There is a war for my heart, and I am wrestling. I am not wholly surrendering all to You. I want to keep a piece. 

I have not listened to You. I have heard You and twisted Your words into what I wanted them to be rather than what they were. I have tried to do things my way.  I have played with fire.

How gracious you have been to me, over the years, to prevent me from falling into that fire, from falling prey to Myself and My Will. Prey to the evil spirit I have engaged.  I have stupidly, foolishly tolerated it. I fed the flames of destruction, sometimes unwittingly, sometimes intentionally. And You have protected me. You didn't have to. You don't have to now. It could have whisked me away, could have consumed my life, my marriage...I must acknowledge the gravity of it. This foolish and stubborn flesh would ruin my testimony if not for Your grace.  Thank You for protecting me from the mouth of the lion, though I stuck my head directly in its mouth.

God of mercy, thank you for Your faithfulness. Thank you that your steadfast love depends on You and not me. Not me or my love for you, But You. You have sheltered me through every storm, You have loved me through every fear and doubt. You have held on to me despite me. You have been a loyal and longsuffering companion amidst my idolatry and adultery and stupidity. You are most definitely not going to give me what I want with this one, because in Your love You deny me.  You give me not what I want, but what I need.  And I need NEW.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Ezekiel 36:26-27

Your voice to me now is gentle and stern, quiet and thundering. I have to trust that you will do this, Lord.  There are times when I need more than heart transformation, heart renewal.  I need you to remove the old and replace it with Brand New.  And You do it. You will do it, because you are You.  

Though I am weary of warfare, I draw my Sword, but it is different this time. This time, I will not ask You what I should do, how I should handle it in the attempts to "figure it out." I am not trying to rid myself of the bad and put on good, because these are my meager attempts to control it and to try to fix myself. I want relief more than I want You. My introspection and self reflection and understanding will always fall short of simply seeking Your face. I will not resort to using You as a self help method, I will look to you as my King. I will look to You because You are who You are, and You are all I need. Oh Lord, that I would come to the end of myself entirely. 

 This time, maybe for the first time in 16 years, I am aware of what all I am fighting for.  It is Everything.  I am fighting for my life in Christ. 

Monumental

So much has changed on the mountain of Mogote since I first began serving there 14 years ago.  The people no longer hang their heads in inferiority or avoid our eyes when they see us. The roads were paved in 2016, which means that even the Honduran government recognizes the work being done. The community of Nueva España has prospered and the joy is palpable in this place.  Hope for Honduras continues building houses, feeding mouths, and educating minds in the name of Jesus Christ. But the mission no longer does feeding during school here, or in the streets here, as this Colonia is sustaining the transformative work of the Lord.  Though it still remains the central hub for education and much of their mercy mission work, Hope for Honduras has transferred feeding programs to another Colonia.  This Colonia, Las Cabañas, feels much like Nueva España used to.  

Other things have grown up, too, like our Genesis. 💕

When I met Genesis and her mother in 2013, I had no idea of the wondrous work God would do. Billy and I simply felt called to give. We gave a little a month at first. Then, we gave a little more a month to help Genesis start her education at Hope Academy.  And 11 years later, she continues to make honor roll after honor roll.  She knows English and speaks it clearly.  She is a smart little girl, but she is really no longer little. Our “little” gal recently celebrated her quinceañera! (15th birthday) 

What a beautiful color on a beautiful dress.  Beautiful Jesus, it has been our blessing to watch her grow into a young woman. 

But this past week, God gave to me the blessing of a lifetime.

Fridays are the perfect ending to a perfect week in Honduras, because we get to give a house we build to a family in need. This is a life changing blessing for both parties! And as we give, we remind them of the One who gave His life for us on the cross. Along with the house, we give tangible elements that symbolize Him and His provision. Bread, for the bread of life.  Water, for the living water that quenches a thirsty soul. Flowers, for the reminder of God’s glory through creation. The Word of God, for the equipping and the sustaining of His saints. This ceremony, filled with so much meaning, captures every eye, and pulls every heart string of the ones present. We leave with the abounding elation that only the Lord could bring.  

But this time….this time. As we approached the house we would give, a love so deep and so tender swelled in my heart, it could have exploded.  This time, we gave the house to a family I know. 

As we walked up, the family I know was playing a tune I recognized instantly: “La Nina De Tus Ojos.”  It literally means, “The Little Girl of Your Eyes” and it describes the way God looks at us. This was the same song we sang and played in 2013, when Genesis captured my heart. When she became the Little Girl of My Eyes.  She had been the Little Girl of HIS Eyes before the foundation of the world.

You don’t have to be a mama to have kids.  You don’t have to be a mama to have a spiritual legacy to leave, or the love of the Lord to give. Genesis is my kiddo, and she will be no matter how old she gets. Here are Genesis and I in her brand new house, with me holding the first letter she wrote me in 2014.   

I just don’t even know what to do with the blessing God has so tenderly provided to me in building a house for her and for her family. All I can really do is weep.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for making my heart OVERFLOW.

Still, Still, Still

This life offers many distractions.  A world comes through a cell phone; everyone holds endless escape at their fingertips. Creature comforts of Netflix and social media and the internet must do Something for us, as evidenced by the whole culture with their heads down. Diversion consumes us. Maybe the constant checking in and refreshing and searching quells the noisiness of the mind.  It gives us some type of stimulus that we feel is worthwhile, if only for a fleeting moment. Fleeting moments turn into hours.

This life is hard on the soul. We want escape from all the awfulness--loneliness, Death, sorrow, sickness, suffering. The dagger wound from a friend.  The people we love making awful choices.  Hurting comes in droves, and temporary escape comes much easier than facing thoughts and feelings.  When we do stop the outside noise, we grow tired, bored, uncomfortable, maybe hopeless.  Maybe helpless. The storms of life rage beyond anything we can control or calm. We avoid stillness, lest we think about the storm.  

This life is also listless and boring.  The monotony of the day to day drags by, day to day.  After all, there is nothing new under the sun.  We do all the things and chase all the things, and tomorrow, they must be done and chased again.  Houses need cleaning, food needs cooking, things need arranging and organizing, kids need parenting. Work always needs working, and Doing can Do all the day long.  There are few reasons to sit and stay still, and so many reasons to run around. We can't be still, because we feel guilty....we really shouldn't.

During his ministry time, one night, Jesus went to the home of Martha and Mary for dinner. Scripture says that Martha opened her home to Him, she gave Him the invitation to dinner, but she was too busy to spend time with Him.  Too busy to be still, she literally ran around, distracted and worried about many things other than Him.  Maybe she wanted to cook Him a fancy dinner because she loved Him.  Maybe she wanted to cook Him a fancy dinner to impress Him.  No matter what her motive, she missed sitting at His feet and listening to Him. Simply being in His presence was the most important thing, but she didn't get it. Her sister Mary sat, though.  Mary understood that dinner would get done eventually, things would get done, or maybe they wouldn't, but none of that really mattered.  The thing that mattered most was sitting right in front of her face, and she was going to be Still. 

There is a beautiful old lullaby called "Still, Still, Still."  It is traditionally a Christmas carol; Mary holds the baby Jesus in her arms and soothes Him as He sleeps.  A cold night in a manger, and a newborn baby needed wrapping in swaddling clothes and a mother's warm comfort. Still, Still, Still. Peace, heart be still.   

When a little baby flails, they need swaddling.  As panic sets in and arms reach out, swaddling gives them the comfort of stillness. The safety of being Still, Still, Still. So it is with the quiet place of Jesus Christ.  Choosing to go there with Him, and sitting still at His feet, we swaddle ourselves with the sweet lullaby of the gospel. We protect ourselves from the things of this world, our distracted arms nestled safely beside us.  And He sings a love song over our souls.  Oh, the safety and security of the gospel...the LOVE of it. It is swaddling clothes for those who believe.   

In this life, there are many things for which to be distracted and worried, but only one thing is necessary.  One thing is most important.  One thing is needed, and that is time at His feet.  Still, Still, Still.  Peace, heart be still.    

Thoughts on My Musicianship

 I wish I was more mature.  It is quite ridiculous, seeing as I am 41 years old. I wish I did not let things bother me the way they do.  Like, being threatened at the talent of other musicians.  And worrying about being "good enough" and trying to play Zakk Wylde when I have freakishly small hands. My ego as a guitarist is a lot bigger than my hands. 

This is stupid, and it makes me feel stupid and totally raw and vulnerable to admit this, but I am really not that great as a musician.  Considering the length of time I have played, I should be worlds better. I put up road blocks for myself.  I sabotage myself.  I practice like 4 hours a day, for like 4 days.  And my fingers fall off and just when I am breaking new ground, I go back to completely ignoring my guitar for months.  When not forced to play, I don't.  When not forced to practice, I won't.  I let my guitar and all my expensive gear collect dust.  It is silly, and it is an awfully expensive thing to let sit in a corner and rot away.  Ignoring a bowl of rice would be cheaper. 

The thing is, it is all about a mental block for me.  I have questions for God, like: "Why do I run so hot and cold? Why do I go so hot and heavy with it and then fall off a cliff?  Why do I feel so ashamed and weird when I see other guitarists online that are actually making the most of their talent, exercising their gift, or who are more talented than me? Why do I feel like I can't post things I play unless they are perfect?  Why is this thing so much about appearances for me?"  And yes, I know all those last questions are purely connected to my pride. 

I am a prideful, fiery person. I think waaaaaaaay too much of myself, and it shows in how I operate with this gift of music. I know it is a gift of God.  I know it has been entrusted to me and it is about His glory.  And I make it about me.  At my heart of hearts, I am a glory seeker, and a glory stealer.  

Facebook isn't even real.  People who post their videos or their pics probably took twenty takes before the one that got published. And I know that, yet I play the game, too. 

Right now, I am really digging John Mayer's "Gravity," because it is so simple, and yet, so complex.  The chord structure is simple, but the voicings are just delicious, and so are the lyrics.  I RELATE to what he is saying about feeling the pull of self sabotage and being your own worst enemy.  And it is so inherent, it equates to a force like gravity.  This thing beguiles him, but is intrinsic to his nature. 

God, free me from Myself.  I ask Him how, and He always tells me.  When there is a big life development from Him to free me of myself, He always shows me what I must surrender, what practical things I must do and what I must believe and the ways in which I must change my thinking.  He has done it time and time and time again.  I have just never asked Him about music. Here we go.  

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I love it when God communicates the same thing to me several times, in several different ways.  When He really wants to break through to my thick heart.

Sunday's sermon was about God's relationship with us as a Father.  His Goodness and Love.  And I'm like yeah yeah yeah.

Then, my quiet time the next day, these verses:

How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. Psalm 31:19

And for some reason, this pierced my hardened heart.  I had to cry because I am not sure why I forgot.  I am not sure why I had been having such a hard time spending time at His feet.  I go through these spiritual valleys sometimes...I try to connect with Him but ultimately act like I can take Him or leave Him.  He and I both know that is so far from true.

This Psalm, 31, will be my fight song.  These will be my fighting words, by which I fight my way back to Him.  Fight my flesh and my self centered, deceitful desires.

I spend a lot of time being angry and unmerciful and disillusioned towards people.  It is really a defense mechanism against the hurt and the disappointment, because people do things to offend me, or slight me, or fail me, or hurt me, or disappoint me, or sadden me.  Because People.  People are messy. I find that the cost of truly loving people is high, and I find myself struggling to pay.

Half the time I am ticked at someone, that someone doesn't know.  I have been kind and gracious in person, but then I am hard and callous and hateful at heart, without bothering to pray or surrender or mend the situation or communicate, or even more importantly, allow myself the sorrow.  It has always been my default to choose Anger over pain....ever since I was little.  I remember my mom telling me the story of when I had tubes in my ears at two years old.  I woke up from surgery literally swinging and furious.

Anger, for me, holds more power than pain.  Even when in physical pain, I bow up and become Angry.  Even when I am startled, it is easier for me to become Angry instead of scared. I will Yell rather than Cry every time. Some people don't mind being vulnerable or giving way to sorrow or pain, just not me.

I feel the twinge of pain or sadness and I immediately twist it into anger.  I grow callous and cold and shut down my heart.  If  you want to act like that, I will simply cut you off. And I put on the attitude, I don't need you. I feel like if I "don't care," or if I say these things to myself enough, I can shut down the pain of you offending me or hurting me, and I will be fine.  I don't need anybody.  It is alot easier than What did I do?  Did I wrong you in some way?  or Wow, I guess I felt differently and thought you did, too. 

Here is another one that gets me:  You are too messy.  Because when you love people and you are in their garbage with them, you see them go around the hamster wheel until they claw their way off.  And sometimes that is painstakingly difficult.  If my heart is invested in them, it is miserable to watch....they often continue in slavery and I long for them to be free, indefinitely. Lately, I have been relishing this time away, thinking, I am done with people and their mess for now. Thank God for this quarantine. 

The problem is, Anger and Detachment are not healthy solutions for processing the emotions of a human heart. They are not very effective, but the bigger problem is, they are not HOLY.  They have no ounce of the LOVE by which He loves me.  And I cannot excuse myself breathing that in and then not living it out.  I cannot excuse living for my own means when Jesus has offered His life to free me of so many chains.  I am messy as can be, and He CLEARLY loves me.  He cherishes me.  He came down into the muck after me, and He paid the ultimate cost to show me His love.  He did not find me to be too much trouble, and MY how I fail Him.  But He still treasures and adores me.  💗Will I love people like that?  No.  Will I try?  Yes.  Will I experience sorrow and pain and hurt?  Of course...this is part of the human experience and recorded throughout Scripture, especially the Psalms.  If I cry out to God in sorrow and suffering, He ALWAYS gives comfort. But my Anger and Detachment are just my own Selfishness and Sin, and they lead to nowhere good.  They do not lead to Him.

This quarantine has brought out the "ugly" in me in many ways.  But Jesus softens me. It is always only a matter of time before He takes sandpaper to the rough edges of my heart.  Melts those edges away, really. Because I think about how specific and personal is His love for me. I KNOW that Great is His faithfulness, because I have seen it time and time again.  He not only freed me from the punishment of hell and gave me the keys to eternal life in Him, but He has broken Every. Single. Chain.  It was bigger, more obvious chains at first, and boy did He ever shatter those.  My gorgeous husband....it still wrecks me that He gave me Billy and transformed my whole heart from the inside out with love.  I no longer desire the same things or think the same way when it comes to women.  But He did not stop there.....with each subsequent and smaller chain I have worn on my wrists, He has shattered those as well.  Numerous chains, big and small, He shatters. This freedom I continue to find in Him has been such powerful evidence of How He continues to woo me. And so today, an old hymn seems more than appropriate to express my heart:

Great is Thy faithfulness
O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been
Thou forever will be
Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
And all I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me

God, forgive me. Break this chain, too, so I can love people more like YOU.

Death

Occasionally, we get a glaring reminder that we could die at any
moment. We get hit with a ton of bricks--a friend gets diagnosed
with a terminal illness. An older family member gives way to the
earth. A child is in a freak car accident. And the realization is
sudden and swift as it is true: God alone holds the keys to life
and death. We do not have any control over the number of our
days. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book
were written,every one of them, the days that were formed for
me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:16

This Coronavirus could kill you, and it could kill me. But it doesn't
even have to be the virus that takes us out. We might follow
every single health precaution and eat organic food and exercise
and sleep 8 hours a day and wear our seatbelts and take care of
our bodies to the utmost degree. But we are mortal.

Theories abound as to why this virus sweeps the earth. God’s
punishment? His wrath? His answer for human depravity? 
Maybe. Unequivocally, we grow increasingly evil, further and
further from the people He intended.  But to nitpick and call
certain sins the reason that God might be punishing us is
incredibly arrogant.To even classify this as certain punishment is
also erroneous, I believe. We cannot know why God has allowed
this. We can know that His design was never for sickness, death,
suffering, or despair.  He created perfection and sought us to live
in it with Him. He gave us free will to choose Him and believe
Him, and we turned away from Him and broke the whole world.
Now, sin and suffering and death run rampant. 

But death. I wish that all the people of this Earth did not fear
death, that they could stare it right down in the eyes.  Because
whether or not you believe that Christ has conquered death,
whether or not you believe that He is the son of God, whether
or not you believe that His sacrifice on the cross clears a path
for your entrance to Heaven and atones for your sin, it is true.
If you believe this, if you know it, if you live it and love it, then,
death is not such a terrifying thing. It is a wondrous thing, full
of hope and promise eternal. You long for it, in a way.

God…...bring those people to salvation who do not believe in you.
Let them believe.  Let them seek you and find you, because I
know you offer yourself freely to them. I know your eyes roam the
earth for hearts that might believe. Your grace is a gift.  Let them
understand, let them know. Let the fear, the suffering, and the
sickness drive more people to you. We have a heightened sense
of our mortality now, and we need you.